Phillies, Giants Prepare for World-Class Crap Fest

Holy hell, this is going to be a rollicking sh*t show of a series.

Morale is at an all-season low.  The Phillies have been making their way through playoff contenders, being resoundingly defeated in completely unfun baseball games.  Now, they finally get to take on somebody more their size: the defending World Champion San Francisco Giants.

May 8, 2013; San Francisco, CA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley (26) congratulates third baseman Kevin Frandsen (28) after he hit a home run against the San Francisco Giants during the fourth inning at AT

Yes, the lowly Giants are a mere 46-58, good enough for last place in the NL West and probably third or second place in the NL East.  The Phillies are a meandering blob of crap, festering in one city or another and developing a real foul stank.

So if you thought it was bad watching the Tigers score eight runs in one inning or the Cardinals smear John Lannan across Busch Stadium, get ready for a more balanced dose of poison: This time, both teams are the disappointment.

Of course, the Giants are coming in riding a six game win streak and putting their best pitcher at the moment, Madison Bumgarner, on the mound.  We’re doing the same, except instead of ‘wins’ it’s ‘losses’ and instead of ‘six’ it’s ‘more than that’ and instead of ‘Madison Bumgarner’ it’s ‘Cliff Lee if he isn’t traded by then.’

The real question is whose going to pitch while Cliff Lee is packing his bags for Boston.  Raul Valdes is unavailable, as he has already imploded in the past week and must be exhausted, and/or shellshocked, and/or retired.  So what frantically assembled pile of crap is going to be slopped out there on the mound?  Only time will horrify us.

In the mean time, the Phillies will have to face the Giants’ mighty lineup of Marco Scutaro, Buster Posey, Hunter Pence, and Pablo Sandoval.  Scutaro and Posey are hitting over .300, which is more than you can say about anyone in the Phillies’ starting nine.  Who even is that, anymore?  Is Steve Susdorf still here?  Amazing.

Yes, this will be nothing compared to the gleefully intense contests between these two in the recent past: the 2010 NLCS, Chase Utley’s inside the park/superman slide, Shane starting a brawl, Chase waving off Jonathan Sanchez’s shenangians.  Ah, yes.  We were once titans.

Now, we’re featuring a Susdorf-Martinez-Delmon Young outfield.  So this has all the makings of a pretty uneventfu–

CODY ASCHE CODY ASCHE CODY ASCHE

But hey, at least we probably aren’t signing Brian Wilson.