They’re the IronPigs. Maybe you’ve heard of them.
They play in the International League, on the Triple A level of the Phillies’ minor league system. They used to be managed by Ryne Sandberg. They’re where Phillies go to be resurrected after injuries. And they give away everything from bobbleheads to beach towels.
But unlike every other minor league team in the country – a phrase used to describe the ‘Pigs all the god damn time – this one will stay with you after you’re dead.
.@TheFightins The Iron Pigs are giving away a free funeral? Is Delmon Young’s career eligible LOLOLOL BWAHAHAHAHAH *sobs*
— Zoo With Roy (@zoowithroy) June 26, 2013
Years after the Phillies kill you, your family will gaze wistfully upon the wall-sized portrait of you getting a piggy-back ride from the Phanatic and quietly thank the Lehigh Valley IronPigs for the cost-free burial you won at Coca-Cola Park all those eons ago.
On “Celebration of Life” night, the ‘Pigs are taking concerns about your inevitable demise off the table. A prize of $10,000 value, including embalming, a casket, and all that fun stuff will be awarded to one lucky fan on August 20 as the team takes on the Scranton Wilkes Barre Rail Riders and acts like none of this is going on.
“Unquestionably, this is the most highly-coveted ‘out-of-the-box’ promotion in IronPigs history,” said IronPigs GM Kurt Landes, a refreshingly hilarious man to occupy the position in the wake of all this Amaro.
So yeah, there’s no reason to fear death anymore. Unless you have a problem with the concept of an endless black void, swallowing you for all eternity.