Series Six-Pack: “I bet you the Marlins have already reached out to Moyer.”

One universal truth of baseball is that everybody gets to play the Marlins.

As noted feelings-haver Craig Calcaterra recently put it, a team’s numbers can only be trusted so much when half of their games have been against Miami.  They’re just not a good… thing.  With that said, there are still a few heroic fishermen weathering the storm in South Florida.  One is Ehsan Kassim of Marlin Maniac, who took the time to respond to my consistently antagonistic messages.

The Marlins recently kicked a bunch of fans out of their park for protesting the team being ruined. What will be the breaking point for Jeffrey Loria? Will there be one? What will break?

Jeffery Loria is your modern day supervillan. He is the perfect antagonist, as he does whatever he wants to ruin other peoples lives and no one can do anything to stop him. I believe him when he says he wants to experience 2003 again, but he has no idea how to do that again. He walked into a situation with an up and coming ballclub and made a couple of moves that happened to go his way. If he had not won the 2003 World Series, 2003 would be remembered as the year the Marlins traded Adrian Gonzalez for a closer who is currently in prison.

I don’t think Loria has a breaking point. He does not care about public perception at all. He has already screwed baseball in Montreal and he won’t stop till he gets a shot to kill the Yankees organization from bottom up. The only person that could stop Loria is Bud Selig, but he and Jeff have been buddy buddy since Montreal.

After trading away every asset, what is the idea behind keeping Giancarlo Stanton? Even if they don’t care about baseball – they don’t – then can’t they understand how much precious, precious money they could get for him?

Giancarlo is still a Marlin because he is considered cheap labor. Making just the league minimum, Loria and company have no problem paying Stanton nothing to be one of the best players in baseball. This upcoming offseason, Stanton will be arbitration eligible for the first time. If the team has not extended Stanton by that time, he is likely a goner and the Marlins will find a package of 4-5 prospects making even less than Stanton. Yay for Marlins Way!!

Giancarlo Stanton recently said it was “too early to panic” about the season. Is he insinuating that there are people whose hopes for the Marlins were so high that they are seeing the beginning of their season as a disappointment? Where are these people? Are they okay?

I think Stanton was talking about his own play eventually picking up as he makes his adjustments. But also, unlike Loria, Stanton has a heart and cares about the Marlins fans. He was just throwing the fans a bone and providing hope for a season that everyone knows is essentially a lost cause.

The only way you will find a Marlins fan with high hopes is if they are on an acid trip. That is the only way I can phantom someone picturing this current Marlins core hoisting the NL East crown. As they tell you in school, “Drugs are bad, just say no.” In the case for Marlins fans, if you want to enjoy the 2013 season, go for it!

Jamie Moyer recently stated that at 50, he hasn’t “closed that door” on pitching in Major League Baseball. How soon after that statement can we expect the Marlins to reach out to him?

I bet you anything that the Marlins have already reached out to Moyer, but were soon turned away as soon as Moyer found out that the Marlins no longer pay players in US currency.  The Loria currency is still looking for a name, as Loria is trying to sell it’s advertising rights, is currently worth less than half a food stamp.

Placido Polanco was cast at the Opening Day clean up hitter for the Miami Marlins. What?

You think that was bad? Greg Dobbs has been the cleanup hitter 5 or 6 times this season. I think that should answer all that you need to know about the Marlins crappiness.

Do the Phillies have the potential to be worse than the Marlins this season? Yes, they do. Whoops, I answered that one for you. Well, how much worse could they be? Like a ton worse, they’re crap. Whoops, sorry again. But answer that last one please.

The Phillies have all the potential to be worse than the Marlins. But the key here is that the Marlins have the potential to be the worst team EVER. So the chances of the Phillies out Marlin-ing the Marlins is not likely. Sorry to disappoint any Phillies fans reading this article.