We knew Roy wasn’t gonna be Roy.
But we were still waiting for that inspirational quote to give us hope we didn’t deserve and confidence we didn’t really have. A little before game time, we got it.
Manuel asked Halladay if he felt ready to pitch in a couple of days.
“He said, ‘Yeah, I wanted to pitch the first game but you didn’t want me to,'” Manuel said with a glint in his eye. “That’s a good answer. That’s the kind of answer you like.”
So, it was with that endless, mystifying Roy Halladay confidence that we entered the bottom of the first inning. What we got was kind of weird. And in the end… pretty bad.
Roy Halladay struck out Andrelton Simmons to start things off.
GRAB A SEAT, JERKFACE
— Zoo With Roy (@zoowithroy) April 3, 2013
In fact, every out in the first inning was a strike out. He K’d B.J. Upton (who’d wear a Golden Sombrero by the end of the night) and Evan Gattis, too, with the trouble being that those batters are separated by quite a few other batters in the Braves’ lineup.
The bashing Braves did what they were programmed to do: swing hard. That led to either home runs (Justin Upton, again), RBI (Juan Francisco), or strikes outs. Roy returned the next inning and struck out the side. At this point, he’d struck out six batters total, for all the outs, and also the last four guys in a row. But it was 3-0 and the Phillies were not indicating in any fashion that were prepared to make some runs happen.
The fourth kicked off with Evan Gattis’ first ever home run, followed by a strike out of Braves pitcher Paul Maholm, and a single from Andrelton Simmons. And that was it. After allowing more runs than he pitched innings, Doc got pulled in favor of Raul Valdes, who did little more than issue back-to-back walks to Jason Heyward and Justin Upton and then watch as Freddie Freeman unleashed a bases-clearing, back-breaking double.
In the dugout, Doc threw cups and cursed. It was awful.
A distraught Roy Halladay: “I’m frustrated. Frustrated. I should have gone deeper that that.”
— Ryan Lawrence (@ryanlawrence21) April 4, 2013
His final line: 3 1/3 IP, 6 H, 5 ER, 3 BB, 9 SO, and a 13.50 ERA.
Bastardo, Adams, and Papelbon killed time until the end, almost as if we were winning the game. Paps wasn’t immune the Braves and allowed a home run of his own in the 8th.
On offense, the Phillies seemed to have no problems getting one or two guys on base, but when it came to bring them in – well, what are you, nuts?! Chase Utley managed to get all “Chase Utley” in the 7th inning and willed a two-run RBI double out of himself. Later, he’d score from second on a Michael Young dribbler, but home plate ump Mike Everett – whose strike zone was impressively flexible all evening – called Young out for interfering with the play after whichever Atlanta reliever it was hit him with the ball.
It was… just… dumb.
When it all went wrong
Freddie Freeman is being a real dick. His three-rub RBI double was so obnoxious I almost dropped everything to aggressively acquire him for my fantasy team. Then I remembered I don’t have a fantasy team, just a series of fantasies about Freddie Freeman striking out all the time while crying and wearing a clown suit.
Thanks again for trying, Chase.
Mike Everett, for being able to determine, through a steady rain storm from several dozen feet away, that Michael Young was on the wrong side of a line enough to negate an entire play. He also called a strike on Ryan Howard that – you know what? Let’s not do this. It was a horrible pitch.
When do the Phillies trade for Matt Garza?
— John Stolnis (@FelskeFiles) April 3, 2013
It’s amazing Freddie Freeman is so effective when he keeps chewing on the ends of the bats and sleeping next to the radiator.
— Justin Klugh (@TBOHblog) April 4, 2013