Phillies Reveal Potentially World-Destroying Top Secret Lineup

The Phillies finally have an Opening Day lineup, four hours before taking the field.

Cole Hamels will be taking Roy Halladay’s spot as the #1 starter, and we now know that Ben Revere will take Jimmy Rollins’ place as the leadoff hitter.  This is a cataclysmic event that will send shockwaves through Philadelphia baseball for generations, proving that if Charlie Manuel has doubts about your abilities, you will only have nine years until he acts on them.

  1. Ben Revere, CF
  2. Jimmy Rollins, SS
  3. Chase Utley, 2B
  4. Ryan Howard, 1B
  5. Michael Young, 3B
  6. Domonic Brown, LF
  7. John Mayberry Jr., RF
  8. Erik Kratz, C
  9. Cole Hamels, P

And now this weeks-long debacle is over, and we wait to see what living hell awaits us with Jimmy starting out of place. By the third inning, reports of feral dog packs assembling outside Turner Field will come in, all of them howling and barking viciously for no apparent reason.

By the fifth, migraines will afflict all fans in attendance. By the eighth, swarms of huge insect will have descended upon the field, chewing at human flesh, but receive no reaction from people as they sit there, numb, mindless, zombies.

Happy Opening Day, everyone.

Topics: Ben Revere, Jimmy Rollins, Philadelphia Phillies

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