The Lehigh Valley IronPigs unveiled a new ballpark novelty today, in which bathroom urinals will be attached to video games controlled by the usage of the toilet.
Naturally, instead of wondering at the majesty of modern technology and baseball melding together to make this the greatest country on earth, you all rushed to your blogs and started making smarmy remarks. “Ha ha ha pee comes from my penis!” said you, giggling.
Well maybe before you judge the IronPigs for constantly innovating their field, you appreciate what it is they’re offering – as if we aren’t the generation that’s spent our adult lives peeing inaccurately because we’re leaning out the bathroom door with an Xbox controller in our hands.
There was a time in this country when men walked to the facilities during a game. Only the game was the Revolutionary War and the bathroom was everywhere. History is full of men urinating without being entertained, usually while fighting wars that kept our country united, safe, and strong, so that our industries could keep out churning out the greatest technological achievements the world has ever seen.
Just yesterday, we still lived in that world, only without the constant threat of being gutshot by a small lead ball held by a snarling British soldier. Our world has less wars on American soil and more internets and fart noises. And it’s terrible.
Every day, stories come out of the news wires, we churn them through the blog cycle, and when we’re all done making our remarks and little comments, they disappear forever. That’s how we’ve chosen to spend our days. And then the IronPigs go and create something baseball has never seen before, and you all act like they just
created a video game you control with your pee did some kind of joke of a thing.
I guess you all just want to live in a country with normal old wall-mounted toilets with no video games attached to them in which human urine is the controller. I’ll bet you’re the same people walking around in 2013 demanding to know where all the flying cars are and not noticing that we have air planes or whining that you should be able to colonize Mars but didn’t bother submitting an application.
This is the future we were promised for our urine. Do you think our grandfathers ever dreamed they’d be able to alpine ski virtually while emptying their bladders during the seventh inning stretch? No, they got home from saving America abroad and immediately began impregnating their women so they could give birth to the future of this country. And we are that future - gazing up at video boards around Coca-Cola Park, seeing if we finally logged a higher video piss game score than our fathers.
Not only will we experience the simultaneous fun of urine expulsion and pretend snowmobiling, but the games are designed to educate us. On our prostates. So we can fight diseases.
Yeah. Laugh it up, people.
The IronPigs are once again revolutionizing baseball, but this time, they’re doing it while simultaneously educating people and encouraging the healthy frequency of biological excretion. If this is such a joke to you, maybe you should be using the only toilets you deserve – the ones in the past.