Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Despite Assumptions of Strangers from Internet, Roy Halladay Claims Good Health

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It became clear to everyone here today that Aaron Cook or Adam Morgan will be playing career roles for the Phillies this season, taking the hallowed place of Roy Halladay in the rotation.

Halladay, of course, would be placed in a shuttle and blasted toward the next habitable planet closest to earth, where he would explode on the surface, spreading his DNA across the world’s surface, and creating life based on the perfection of his genetic makeup.

But Roy Halladay is not quite ready to quit baseball forever, shockingly.  His setbacks have been piling up, but he’s got a lot of mental strength and good will to fall back on.  If there’s a shot in hell of Roy Halladay pitching effectively, any team ever would wait until the last possible second to be concerned.

Remember, though we don’t have to even do that.  Because Roy Halladay is fine.  You probably thought that with all the solid contact the minor league baseball players were making against Roy fucking Halladay, there was something to worry about.  Not so, says Roy.

He also compared the game to “chess” rather than “boxing.”  Which is true.  Baseball is like chess.  But a chess game in which you run the risk of getting hurt, physically.

Roy Halladay’s body and his mind appear to still be in separate places, which does not seem like good news.  And obviously we, the people of the internet, understand his condition better based on what we learn from third party reports, many miles away, than he understands it by being the conditions themselves.

Eight days until Opening Day!

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