Phillies Introduce New Shirt-Shaped Soft Pretzel

The Phillies are moving away from the “baseball” market and into the exploding “textured t-shirt” industry this season.

Usually innovators when it comes to crap with their logo on it, the Phillies organization will remain at the forefront of the “novelty thing” movement by producing t-shirts that feel like stuff this season.  One of those shirts will be soft pretzel-themed.  Yes, it will.  This is happening.

The Phillies are already rectifying last season’s ‘innovative’ “7th inning bat-chuck” debacle. Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

The new aspect of Phillies baseball will be featured at the park as the team reveals its new souvenir products for the season.  Also featured will be a “hat wall” which is giant wall full of hats.  Also you can buy one of the hats if you want to.  Hats.

Now, you may be sitting there, thinking, “Hey.  These new things just sound like two old things mashed together.”  And if you are thinking that, then congratulations, you are the new head of Phillies marketing.  Saying one thing, looking around the room, and then saying a second thing does constitute “innovation” today, and not just because whoever was coming up with these ideas left their real ideas in a taxi.  Because these are true innovations.

How do you store your hats?  On a rack?  In a pile, on the floor?  In the oven?  Some other stupid thing?  Please.  Not only have the Phillies invented a wall that can hold hats, but they went all ‘Phillies” with it and made the biggest god damn hat wall in the history of walls with hats on them.

Also debuting today are the much-discussed Federal Donuts and a beer garden, in which beer will be cultivated and grown from the moment it is ordered, giving a more robust, healthier finish, but also extending your wait for a beer from several minutes to about 20 weeks.  Here is the Phanatic, being wonderful during the ceremony:

In the mean time, no, you probably can’t eat the soft pretzel shirt, but you can feel it, think “Hey, that does kind of feel like a soft pretzel,” then start wanting a soft pretzel, then miss three innings waiting in line to buy one of those classic Phillies $22 soft pretzels.

Innovation isn’t cheap, guys.