Phillies Unconcerned With Disappearances of Fringe Players from Training Camp

Five more young ones were taken from Phillies camp this morning.

They are merely the latest in a line of disappearances dating back to earlier last week.  Phillies officials are aware of the absences, and have responded that they are in fact the motivation for them.

As of today, the following players have been disappeared:

• Tyler Cloyd, master of Kyle Kendrick-replacement
• Sebastian Valle, master of wielding a catcher’s mask as a weapon
• Tyson Gillies, master of human body-hurling
• Mauricio Robles, master of team confusion
• B.J. Rosenberg

This is what B.J. Rosenberg, I learned today. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Reports indicate that the Phillies intend to have enough players to fill out an active roster, but as they continue to mysteriously ship players out of camp, some have wondered if they are aware how many players will be needed.

Regardless, the Phillies camp is five players lighter, as the survivors return home this evening, wondering what the team – or, y’know, life, man – has in store for them.

“Will I even be here tomorrow?” Chase Utley asked.  “Will I wake up in that corn field with the others?”

“What the hell was that?!” Cole Hamels screamed as the bat leaning on a bench slowly slid and clattered to the floor.  “Jesus, I thought that was them.”

When pressed by whom he could be living in paralyzing fear of, Hamels shook his head and refused to speak, as he began to assemble a crude religious structure in front of his locker for “protection,” as Rich Dubee explained, rolling his eyes.