Children Traumatized by Dominican Republic’s Devastation of Phillies

Taking on the best hitters in the Dominican Republic, Cole Hamels struggled this afternoon, then imploded, then grew numb and started rolling the ball to the hitters, who would pick it up, toss it in the air, and knock in three more runs.

It was a horrifying 15-2 loss in which our projected opening day starter was routinely embarrassed, with the only breaks coming in the time it took the next guy to come to the plate.

Here are some offensive stats for the four guys I highlighted from the DR lineup earlier:

• Jose Reyes:  2-for-3, 2 RBI, 1 R
• Robinson Cano:  3-for-4, 3 RBI, 1 R
• Edwin Encarnacion:  3-for-5, 1 RBI, 1 R
• Hanley Ramirez:  4-for-6, 3 RBI, 3 R

Together, they had a hand in all 15 of the Dominican’s runs.  Three of the Phillies’ four pitchers to see daylight in this game left with double digit ERAs.  They came five short of the record for most hits in a nine inning game (28; record is 33).

And now, Cole Hamels.

In 2.2 innings, Cole allowed 12 hits and eight runs, all of them earned.  He struck out three, but only because they all tried to hit while holding the bat upside down as a joke.  The Phillies then moved Ethan Martin out to the mound to act as a human shield, and he absorbed six hits and three earned runs of his own through 2.1 innings.

Poor, young Jonathan Pettibone was trotted out next fora  2.2 inning nightmare of his own, through which nine hits were struck and four runs crossed the plate.  The final hurler of the day, Justin Friend, actually allowed zero runs and only one hit, mostly because the other team was probably exhausted from circling the bases.

Laynce Nix had a day, going 2-for-4 with an RBI and a home run.  Darin Ruf struck out three times.

One sidenote: Only two walks were surrendered in the game, one by Martin and one by Friend.

A second sidenote: Sweet jesus