TO: Our favorite Phillies fan!
FROM: Philadelphia Phillies Ticket Offices
You probably remember that nice note we sent you a few weeks back, reminding you how much the Phillies like you, and how much you like them, and how a little daily, monotonous frustration followed by a brief spark of hope and then a plummet into stifling darkness never hurt anyone.
Well, here we are, several emails later, and gosh; this ticket office is still fully stocked! Which clearly means one thing: You are not getting our emails!
So, while we clean house in the IT department – FOR YOU – we thought we would send another message your way, presuming there are is just a logjam of your responses piling up in our inbox that those silly nerds just couldn’t get to us. Nerds! Right?! Did you used to beat those up? Yeah, we were pretty cool in high school, too. Threw a house party once when our parents were out of town. Couple of girls showed up. You know.
Anyway, these Phillies tickets aren’t going to buy a six-pack of themselves!
Look, these Phillies may not be the exact same Phillies you remember, but they certainly embody the same spirit! I defy you to point out one inherent difference between Shane Victorino and Delmon Young. They’re both outfielders, they both have been injured, they both know where the outfield is, and they both play baseball!
Besides, there are plenty of familiar faces – Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Cole Hamels, Carlos Ruiz; hey, is that Kyle Kendrick, weeping in the dugout? You bet your Ryan Howard wiffle ball set it is!
**Gary please retrieve Kyle from the dugout as his constant weeping is attracting a flock of rather morose pigeons who are now cooing along with his sobs.**
And then there’s Chad Durbin – yes, Chad Durbin from the 2008 World Series champion Phillies! We went out and re-acquired him! For you! Remember when we did that with Cliff Lee? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m feeling pretty nostalgic already! Oh man, remember that memory we all share of that time at the Phillies game? And then what happened after! Ho ho ho boy, we were a regular bunch of cut-ups back then!
Ha ha, look at these nerds walking single file out of the Citizens Bank Park administration offices; carrying boxes of their belongings and wondering if they’re going to lose the house! Have fun in mom’s basement, right? Ha ha ha. That’s probably where most of them live.
Look, there is plenty of new merchandise to buy (do you have your Josh Fields shirsey yet?) and the sport the players will be partaking in will technically be baseball, so why not come on down and introduce your children to the sport and team that made you the reliable ticket-purchaser you are today?
So come on down to CBP this summer! All the nerds are gone!
**Seriously Gary some of the pigeons are sitting on him now and I am not sure if he realizes it.**
Your friends at the Phillies Ticket Office