Chase Utley Last Minute Scratch from Lineup; is he Already Dead?

According to various Twitter-screaming, Chase Utley was removed from today’s lineup against the Yankees.

Kevin Frandsen took his place, any fanfare of which was overshadowed by the devastation news that Chase Utley is presumably never going to play baseball again.

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

**casually loading old shotgun**

So, naturally, we need to assume things.  For instance, Chase is hurt bad – real bad – and not only does he deflate any chance of a stabilizing offensive presence at second for the Phillies, but it also destroys the charitable donations of Jon Morosi earlier this morning.  No one would pick the Phillies to finish above the Braves without much of Utley, and as we all know, picking a team to finish somewhere is the first step to them actually doing it.

**finishes loading shotgun, pours 24-oz. cup of whiskey**

It did rain last night, sure, and the team has to be cautious with Utley’s knees, but we –

**takes sip of whiskey; immediately spits it out, sputtering, coughing, vomiting a little**

– we can see plainly that –

**starts second coughing fit, accidentally lets shotgun fall off table, it goes off, blows hole in door**

**sits in silence as repercussions for these actions are considered**

….see that all the other injury risks are out there, running around on the wetness like there wasn’t a monsoon filling the Bright House Complex with garbage water from the skies mere hours ago.

See how easy that was, the Phillies?  We’re always an explanation away from returning to our sane selves.

**eyes shotgun hole in door**