Roy Halladay Replaces Chase Utley as First Secret-Teller of Phillies Preseason

What do we do to make the Phillies lie to us?

Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Is it intense following of their every move along with the inspection and grading of each facet of every performance?  Because that’s not going to stop.  They could get traded to another city and we’ll still make them headline news.  IT’S NOT GOING TO STOP, SHANE.

So exactly which part of our increasingly worrisome behavior do the Phillies find so offputting that they need to keep us in the dark?  We’re people, too.  Insane people with so little going on that we make the success of our lives/web sites directly attached to what our favorite sports teams do.

Hey, how about that?  I can laugh menacingly without simultaneously writing “HA HA HA.”  Now you’ll never even know when I’m doing it.  Which will probably be good for the police reports.

Roy Halladay lied to us, gang.  No one knows why.  There are bunch of solid theories, and some have basically been accepted as canon, but in the end, no one knows.  All this time we’ve been worried about Roy’s shoulder when, as he revealed on Wednesday, his lower back has been the issue this entire time.

Of course, questions instantly arise.  Is this like Chase’s thing, where he says he’s fine, and the next thing we know his doctor takes a look at his knee and that afternoon, after 50 years in the knee business, goes home and blows his brains out?  Did Roy’s trainers know to work on his lower back and not his shoulder?  Did he just accept their therapy as part of the lie, even though it created a new problem in his shoulder?  Did he just sit there and take it like an ace, crushing the pain in his mind-vice?

Is this the day Doc learned how to LIE?! Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

Roy said he’d had trouble with his lower back all season long, and that his inability to loosen it had required a total shift in mechanics.  Not spectacular news, certainly, but when delivered with a smile and a promise that he is going to try and win a World Series before he goes down, well, it’s hard not to take a man seriously.

Although, it is ominous.  The last time we were lied to – by Chase, by Ruben, possibly by Chooch recently – it didn’t end well.  And caused a rift in the trust between the team and the fans.  Which the team’s philosophy has usually been “Who cares, you will definitely keep buying tickets and we don’t have to tell you a god damn thing.”  And the fans’ response is traditionally, “Yes, that is correct, can we have some tickets now, please.”