Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Current Spring Training MVP is Kyle Simon’s Mustache

I’ve always said that you can see the measure of a man by the hair growing out of his upper lip.

If biology wants to populate the middle of his face with a thriving cluster of follicles , then who am I to distrust biology?  And if that man wants to fight nature with a razor blade, except for the spot under his nose, then he has not only a correctly functioning human body, but the boldness to stand in its way.

On the Phillies, that man is Kyle Simon.

Noticeable mustaches!  Prospects with personality!  Timely film humor!

The Phillies Spring Training camp is rife with quirks.  Which can only mean good things for the season, as the team is predicted to underperform, has a few lost causes who could come through in a shocking, unsustainable way, the Nationals have already made it clear that they are definitely going to the World Series, and now, we’ve got our bullpen arm with the fun facial hair and hopefully a catch phrase.

This means the Phillies beat writers will have to work extra hard to follow Simon – who is one of the guys we got for Jim Thome after the trade with the Orioles and can be seen here trapped between dimensions - around now, hoping he utters some magic sentence that gets him the national spotlight.

Then, when Kyle Simon strikes out Jayson Werth to win the NLCS, we – yes, us, the Phillies, the”freon-leaking air conditioner” of baseball – will take home the pennant.

AND IT ALL STARTS NOW.  A HA HA HA HA.

One of these preseason posts will not end with terrifying laughter, I swear.

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