We’ve all been walking around, whistling and mindlessly pleasant as we are in Philadelphia, positive that Chase Utley is just an excellent guy.
But it doesn’t seem like this is the universally accepted truth that I’ve demanded it is to people on public transit in other cities. And also this one.
Apparently there’s been a contest going on this whole time, to determine who the Face of MLB should be. And the first round is already over. And Chase Utley has already been eliminated. By Miguel Montero.
I know, I didn’t know about it either. I don’t think anybody did. Chase Utley definitely didn’t. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the most important thing that’s ever happened.
Now, we can assume that MLB didn’t tell us about the contest because they knew Phillies fans would sooner send a flaming school bus into MLB HQ rather than suffer any kind of public humiliation for Chase Utley. But they also knew that we probably would have voted for Chase so heartily that we all wouldn’t have shown up for work, and some of us are school bus drivers and firefighters, so they would have been at equal risk for the flaming school bus thing.
It’s a complex issue.
Is Chase Utley truly less popular than Miguel Montero? Have we fallen so far? He used to be the powerhouse stud that lived between RyHo and J-Roll. He didn’t mouth off so other teams and fans feared and respected him. He helped puppies and kittens in his spare time. Although other players do seem to hate him. But that’s mainly out of the fear.
But at least when he was being hated, he was being recognized. Now he’s getting disappeared by a guy whose nickname is “The Microwave.” Chase has a better Face than all the other players in that contest combined. Dustin Pedroia alone takes them down 20 spots.
Well, if they’re going to pretend Chase Utley doesn’t exist, we’re going to pretend the whole contest doesn’t exist. And maybe it won’t, depending on the flaming school bus forecast for tomorrow.
If they wanted to make us think Chase Utley wasn’t as much of a thing as before, all they’d have to do is point at the number of games he’s played in over the past two years. But we already do that every day leading up to Spring Training.
So basically, this contest exists for no other reason but to conjure resentment.
I HATE YOU WEIRD FACE CONTEST.