Cole Hamels Admits ‘Shoulder Soreness’ Thing Was All a Hoax

Days ago, Cole Hamels was reported to be just fine after suffering from something the team called “shoulder soreness.”  What happened?  Did he sleep on it wrong?  Did he strain it mistakenly picking up a large latte that was next to his small?  A third joke?

Apparently, it was none of the above.  According to Hamels himself, the soreness never existed; it was a phantom ailment, conjured somewhere in that grey area of bad info and miscommunications.

Or… this is exactly the sort of tactic Ruben Amaro would employ to set up a checkmate.

What would the Phillies have to gain by casting Cole Hamels with an arm dangling in pain?  Where is this all going?  What does it all mean?

Think about it. Have you ever seen a picture of Cole Hamels and his shoulder in the same picture?!?! Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

The Phillies can’t be planning some sort of move involving Hamels; and after signing him to an extension, teams wouldn’t be calling for him, so there’d be no reason to build a wall around him to confuse potential suitors.  Really, it’s unclear what he would be doing involved with transactions at all at this point.

Is Rube trying to drive down Hamels’ value for 2018?  Leak a story about soreness here; a possible sprain there; a ‘clinical night terrors’ diagnosis so no one wants to have to sit next to him on a plane…

Yes, that’s it.  Ruben wants Hamels’ condition, real or not, to be a whisper on the wind, constantly speculated about by those outside of his circle, but never actually witnessed directly; like a collage of newspaper clippings and red yarn on someone’s bedroom wall that they’ve somehow managed to keep hidden from their roommate and girlfriend by emitting terrified screams every time one of them was about to open his bedroom door.

Technically, yes, we can celebrate this as “good news,” but is there even such a thing anymore?  Isn’t every thread of information just connected to some larger knot, all of it keeping Ruben Amaro’s horrifying endgame on schedule?

There’s no way to tell, unless someone finds a way to speculate on the internet.  Until then, we will have to enjoy that at the moment, Ruben’s plan involved keeping Hamels not only on the Phillies, but apparently healthy, despite reports.

So let’s all DON’T TOUCH THAT DOOR KNOB AAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAA