"What? What's happening behind me?" "...he's got his foot stuck in the bucket again." Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

NL East Infection: All Phigured Out

New York Mets

“And then I heard that the Phillies signed Delmon Young and I was like ‘I’m not pitching to that guy. When he comes up I’ll just put my hands on my hips.'” Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports

The Nationals seem set, but then again they might just go out next week and burn down a small village because Mike Rizzo specify “decaf.”  The Braves are a lock for a Sports Illustrated cover of the Uptons standing back to back, arms folded and cheesing over the words “BASH BROTHERS” or “I’VE HAD IT UPTON HERE” or something equally asinine.  And as long as the Marlins say nothing, there’s no way to tell what clownish antics they’re engaging in at the moment.

So at the moment, we’re the divisional punchline, unless the Mets are selling their equipment for a handful of magic beans.

…Are they selling all their equipment for a handful of magic beans?

No.  They’re making trades that are at the very least attempts to make their team better. Yes, even the Pedro Feliciano trade was supposed to do that.  I don’t know.

But they closed a deal with starter Shaun Marcum yesterday and have been hunting Michael Bourn like those dogs outside Citi Field all week.

Ha!  Ha ha!  Shaun Marcum!  He’s a pitcher!  Right, rest of the NL East?

**Rest of NL East points and laughs at Phillies. Nationals throws a rock, striking Phillies in the forehead.**

Atlanta Braves

Well, it happened.  Justin Upton and the Diamondbacks finally broke up.

“I just feel so lost.” Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

This has been a long time coming.  Some of us have been laughlessly drawing this metaphor for years.  Every week Upton and the Snakes would fight and scream at each other in the street in front of the bar with all their friends in it, and their friends would exchange looks like “Why don’t they just break up already,” and then Justin would storm off and the team would come back inside crying, and saying “Fuck him, it’s over.

But then the next day they’d pull him off the trading board and the rest of us would have to go back to pretending Scott Hairston was this outfielder everybody wanted on their team.

This time, though, the Braves were waiting when Justin stormed off.  They told him how pretty he was and how the Diamondbacks didn’t deserve him and how happy could he really be with a team that dangled him out on the trade market every month?

Wouldn’t he be much more happy as power-hitting outfielder in the Braves lineup?  Atlanta is warm and accommodating, they have 20 people on payroll to come out to the park and pretend to like baseball every spring (double if they make the playoffs!), and oh yes; his brother is already here.

What better place to run off to after a nasty break-up then a team with playoff hopes and family connections?  Just think about, it Justin.  We’ll be here.

Washington Nationals

It was a crazy night for Mike Rizzo, who was dolled up as the belle of the ball for his Executive of the Year Award dinner.  Just before pulling his chair out, sitting down, and calling his t-bone steak a coward, he had some thoughts on the Justin Upton/Braves deal, that also sent Martin Prado to Arizona.

  •  “But Prado is a terrific, terrific baseball player.”
  • “Upton is a terrific player and a guy I’m very familiar with and I love.”
  • “He’s a great player.”
  • “They had a good team before they got him. They’ve got a good team now.”
  • “He’s going to be a good player for them.”

See how nice Rizzo can be when people aren’t throwing baseballs at his players’ spines?  Looks like they really have it all figured out in Washington.

Miami Marlins

After being released by one South Florida sports franchise, former Dolphins QB Pat White has decided to give baseball a shot.

Now, I’m sure Pat isn’t of the mindset that he can try whatever sports he wants all the time just by showing up.  But he is one of those guys whose been getting offers from different organizations to receive tons of money to play a sport for them since he was in high school.  So maybe he is kind of like that.

But if any team was trying to coerce a touching Miami sports love story out of the woodwork, and willing to spend money to do so, it would be the Marlins.

They need somebody to make them feel human again.  They need someone to indicate they are more than broken parts and Giancarlo Stanton trade rumors.  They need someone to prove that Jeffrey Loria isn’t a brainless monster, wandering the streets of the city, kicking fire hydrants open and laugh laugh laughing.

Is Pat White that story?  The 26-year-old has recently stated he’s probably going to try and get back into the NFL, but that didn’t stop the Marlins from offering him a minor league contract.  Is he good?  Can he produce?  Will he be effective?  Who cares!  He is a story, and one who could shoulder the hopes of the whole city and take them into the next generation of Marlins baseball.

UPDATE: Pat White has been cut by the team and is currently waiting in line for tickets to a Heat game under the assumption that is is a line for open tryouts.

Tags: Atlanta Braves Miami Marlins New York Mets NL East Philadelphia Phillies Washington Nationals

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