NL East Infection: Just Stop/Keep Talking

I mean obviously people are lining up to talk to this guy. Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Miami Marlins

If you’re the Marlins, what’s your biggest problem?

No money?  No fans?  No talent?  No credibility with employees, competitors, or the league?

No, the biggest threat to you is the fact that everybody just keeps finding out about these problems.  So why not do the comprehensive thing and, instead of tackling these issues with tough, analytic answers, fix all of them at once in a big, dumb, lazy plan?

On that note, the Marlins will no longer be speaking to the media.  Jeffrey Loria, who radio silenced himself in November, is now telling team president David Samson that he is not allowed to go on the radio or conduct interviews of any kind. Loria followed up the executive order by clapping his hands together, propping his feet up on his desk, and doing nothing else to solve any other problems.

Atlanta Braves

Is it this horse? Who knows!

The creeping madness of retirement has finally caught up to Chipper Jones, and he will in fact be attending the Braves’ spring training camp this year.

Jones plans to inspire young players, offer knowledgeable tutelage, and “see a man at a horse,” according to his Twitter feed, meaning he either thinks “@” means “about” or he misspelled “house” as “horse” or he plans to check out a man standing next to a horse and become awestruck at the wonder of people and horses and how many places there are on this planet to stand and how many of them are near horses or he’s going to do what the phrase “see a man about a horse” usually indicates and do something incredibly shifty and unmentionable.

Still waiting for his Braves spring training e-vite is John Rocker, who, if he is doing that, seems to think that the best way to do so is make more comments about Jews and Nazis and guns guns guns:

“Absolute certainties are a rare thing in this life, but one I think can be collectively agreed upon is the undeniable fact that the Holocaust would have never taken place had the Jewish citizenry of Hitler’s Germany had the right to bear arms and defended themselves with those arms.”

–John Rocker, aware that he must keep talking to stay alive in the media

While we’re discussing absolute certainties, John Rocker was certainly an embarrassment while he was playing baseball, and has worked hard to make sure anyone who ever employed him has deep, deep regrets about it.

Washington Nationals

Apparently, there’s some sort of question as to who the better team is as far Phillies-Nationals, and after putting the two teams next to each other, we can see that yes, each team has players at every position.  Comparing them beyond that, honestly, seems like a waste of time I SAID DON’T DO IT

“Stupid innings limit.” **kicks pebble** Anthony Gruppuso-USA TODAY Sports

Obviously, the Nationals are going to be at least 40 innings better.  They called Stephen Strasburg’s parents to let them know that they’ve upped little Stevie’s innings limit to 200 in 2013, rather than last season’s less than 160.  Mr. and Mrs. Strasburg responded by asking the Nationals not to call after 8:30 at night again because Stephen is in bed.

No word yet on how many innings the Nationals’ new closer Rafael Soriano will be limited to, but what does it fucking matter, the Nationals have all the players and money and somehow everyone on their roster is 22 years old.  So maybe it’s time to start a Take Back the Park campaign of our own, one in which we keep the Nationals’ baseball team from entering the stadium to prevent a situation where we have to play them.

Given how great the team is now, who wouldn’t rather play for the Seattle Mariners?  Michael Morse, of course.  ”That was one of the teams I was hoping for,” Morse said in response to his being traded from the widely considered best team in baseball to a team that everyone is waiting to announce is moving to Oklahoma City.

Having worked out a deal with Adam LaRoche, the Nats deemed Morse and his slugging percentage superfluous, and, refusing to trade him to somebody in-division like a bunch of babies with common sense, sent him across the country.

New York Mets

Jon Heyman is all over the Mets/Scott Hairston proceedings, and so far we can deduce that the Mets don’t want to pay Hairston much money, and that Hairston doesn’t seem to realize how little money he’s going to get.  Heyman specified in a follow up tweet that Hairston is “upbeat” pretty normally, so he could have just been thinking about a bird or something.

Meanwhile, the Mets are getting into the political game–a wise move for a franchise built on high moral standards.

Topics: Braves, Marlins, Mets, Nationals, Philadelphia Phillies

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