A report in the Los Angeles Times yesterday blew the lid off a history of violent, despicable behavior in the Philadelphia sports scene, which seems to have slipped by local and national media outlets for the past few decades.
“It took only a short time before he experienced the wrath of Philadelphia’s sports fans, who are notorious for booing Santa Claus, pelting then-St. Louis outfielder J.D. Drew with D-batteries and cheering when Dallas Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin lay motionless on the field after suffering a neck injury.”
–Mike DiGiovanna, Los Angeles Times, January 15, 2012
Stories of cheering injured players, hurling batteries at players, and–the clincher–booing a man dressed as Santa Claus in 1968, surfaced yesterday for the first time, telling a story of nightmarish fan behavior in Philadelphia that somehow has gone completely unreported for over 40 years.
“It was shocking to read, really,” said Fairmount resident Dan Ferguson. ”I mean, that’s my home town, that’s where I live, that’s where my kids go to school. It’s humiliating. This kind of behavior just doesn’t happen in any other, at any other sporting event. It’s just us. I just…”
Ferguson paused at this point, seeing his children come home from school wearing Philly sports merchandise.
“Oh god… OH GOD GET THAT OFF OF THEM!!” he shrieked.
It was a shocking story, broken by L.A. Times reporter Mike DiGiovanna, that deeply effects the region, considered one of the most passionate fan bases in all professional sports. The long, rich history each team has in its subculture was unarguably rocked deep to its very core.
“Santa Claus? Really?” asked Fishtown business owner Anita Reed. ”We booed Santa Claus? That… that doesn’t sound like me, but… I like the Phillies, so I guess I need to accept that I am a soulless demon in human skin.”
Reed, who runs a used book store and has adopted two children after multiple trips abroad to work with those victimized by genocide in the Sudan, found herself unable to focus on work after learning of her horrible, indefensible true nature.
Philly sports apologists who claim that the “Santa Claus” in question was a teenager pulled out of the crowd at the last minute, and that the situation is actually much different from the casual mention in DiGiovanna’s expose, have been labeled as “scum bags” in the community, their homes marked by graffiti so that the harassment can continue indefinitely.
One of those painting a large, crude portrayal of male genitalia on the side of a neighbor’s house was Reed, both children in tow.
“It’s time to accept who we really are,” she explained, ripping down a string of Christmas lights. ”FUCK YOU, CHILDREN!!” she screamed uncomfortably as several small heads peered out a nearby window to see what was going on.
With the 76ers season in full swing, the Flyers looking to start up in a few days, and baseball season right around the corner, federal security forces are keeping a close eye on the Philadelphia area, as officials do not want to take any chances with ignorant blue collar human garbage that populates the area, according to DiGiovanna’s report.
“That this menace has lived among us for so long–with absolutely zero mention in the media–is unacceptable,” President Obama stated in a special news bulletin last night. ”I will use every force at my disposal to be sure this sort of thing is not tolerated and severely punished. I also question the integrity of the media, who allowed these injustices to occur without so much as a whisper of protest.” President Obama then brought his two daughters on camera and apologized to them publicly for allowing this type of thing to go on in the world that they live in.
At press time, Philadelphia fans were ravenously following potential new Philadelphia Eagles coach Gus Bradley around via helicopter, slobbering over his every move like animals operating on vicious instinct.