Phillies Look to Hold Philadelphia Race in which no Women are Punched in Face

We can do this, Philadelphia.

OH GOD RUN AWAY FROM THE EAGLES’ 2012-13 SEASON RUN AWAAAAAAY Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-USA TODAY Sports

I know we have a history of comically inept catastrophes on our heads, and all of the well-documented folk stories that form our nationally rehearsed stigma, but I’ve got a great feeling about this big public spectacle!

The Phillies are holding their annual 5k on March 23, with spots available starting today, 48 minutes ago.  Phillies brass claims to be in touch with the fan base, who they were sure would jump at the chance to perform excessive physical acts, as well as bettering our community.  Also they know we are ravenous monsters, slobbering at the chance to give our money to something with the word “Phillies” in it.

No, but there are plenty of body-havers out there who will enjoy and benefit from this splendid tradition.  Why, they even let you run a cool down lap on the infield!  That’s where Chase Utley sleeps!  Maybe you’ll even find a fragment of Ryan Howard’s formerly exploded ACL in the batter’s box!

Obviously, the team has to be careful–the last time Philadelphia tried to hold something like this, somebody trying to high-five Mayor Nutter accidentally punched a woman in the face.

But nothing like that will probably happen, and the $63,000 this race raised for Phillies Charities–actual, human charities; not the “corner outfielder fund”–will do a lot of good.

So pull your head out of the blogosphere and check to see if those legs still work.  I know I–

**Tries to stand up, immediately collapses, remains face down on living room floor for days**