I hope you guys haven’t finished your Christmas lists, because I’ve got a $2.99 stocking stuffer for all fans of Bryce Harper and menial household tasks! It’s called “The Bryce Harper Story: Rise of a Young Slugger,” and it reveals all the gritty images you never knew existed of the young star.
“Washington Post sports reporters chronicled each moment on and off the field, from his first press conference in Washington, to watching him wash dishes after dinner at his parents’ house, to his debut at Dodger Stadium.”
Well thank goodness we live in an age where people don’t mind letting a few sports journalists into their home to let them watch their son do the dishes. I mean, if there were a more critical piece of baseball media for the past decade, I would have to say without hesitation that it was Bryce Harper Doing the Fucking Dishes. I would just blurt it out instantly, without even breathing while I said it. “BRYCEHARPERDOINGTHEFUCKINGDISHES,” I would scream.
And rooms full of very intelligent people would nod in unanimous agreement. How else would we see the human side of the pheom, you know? That’s how you know how great of a journalistic work it is–by how human it makes Bryce Harper look. He’s just a regular, dish-doing guy, like you and me!
Sure, I may “do” my dishes by cutting a paper plate in half to use the clean half for later, but we can’t all have that turbulent, dishes-first lifestyle of a Bryce Harper, let alone document it with professional photography.
So are we to assume that with The Bryce Harper Story debuting in 2012, that Harper’s story is over? Or can we expect years of updated Bryce Harper Doing the Fucking Dishes imagery? Or… oh, oh, oh—will we instead get other chores, like sweeping the front stoop, vacuuming the wood paneled mini van, cleaning dog shit out of the yard, and collecting sticks so dad can mow later this afternoon?
We can only dream of the meaningless images about to pound their way into our psychosis. How can you ever get enough Bryce Harper? He’s just so human!!
New York Mets
The Mets have taken the blindfold and ball gag off of their director of Major League operations, Adam Wogan, and allowed him to speak to other teams about other positions. They’re doing this because they are firing him.
Sandy Alderson, from his position photo-shopped office in front of Citi Field, is pulling the trigger on all those dramatic moves he hinted at a while ago. Everybody is leaving on good terms, which is not how some people leave the Mets, but it’s a new era. Some people don’t leave the Mets at all. We don’t talk about what happens to those people.
A front office shake-up can be the prologue to any number of organizational moves. For some, it’s a shift in philosophy or a clean sweep of a toxic atmosphere. For the Mets, it is the lead-in for a roving troupe of sky-gypsies to set up camp in Citi Field.
Yes, Cirque du Soleil’s traveling show ‘Totem,’ an examination of human beings’ evolution from aquatic creatures to their determination to fly, is coming to the Mets’ infield. Which is immediately suspicious. What’s the endgame here? Is Citi Field being rented out like a common whore? Are the Mets scouting for more flexible talent and turning to the foreign circus circuit? Who knows! For all we know, this carnival may be the harbinger of darkness, traveling from town to town, swallowing the hopes of franchises foolhardy enough to put their trust in wizardry [EDITOR'S NOTE: You... don't know what Cirque du Soleil is, do you.]
“After New York, it goes to Philadelphia in May.”
OH GOD NOOOO
After everything the Marlins have been through, as both culprits and victims, it’s hard to believe they could be accused of/menaced by much else. But departing starting pitcher Mark Buehrle has revealed the Fish are guilty of yet another grievance: Lying.
“Just like the fans in South Florida, I was lied to on multiple occasions.”
This shocking twist garnered gasps and whistles from the peanut gallery, as such a stately, highly revered franchise like the Miami Marlins has built its legacy on class and dignity. Accusing them of widespread falsehoods now, when they are at their worst, seems like a final snipe fired as Buehrle leaves town.
Sure, the Marlins have been implicated or proven guilty of lying about money, players, facilities, their own intentions, what time it is, whose at the door, and whether or not they think baseball is cool. But now Mark Buehrle is at stake. I mean, the Mark Buehrle! Lied to! Outrageous.
I wonder if this will come up in the union investigation of the Marlins recently started by the MLBPA. Miami swore, as it moved into fresh waters in 2012, that they would increase their payroll every year. Last year, it ballooned to $112 million. After their recent fire sale, it’s at about $36 million for 2013. Nevertheless Bud Selig approved the deal, having just completed his 22 1/2 hours of daily sleep.
It’s become painfully clear that the Braves and Phillies are engaged in one of those contests where nobody moves until someone goes first. Both are clutching their meager funds in quivering grasps, but neither want to make a move until the market gets set by the other.
In the mean time, they’re both circling each other, making the same phone calls to the same people; B.J. Upton, Michael Bourn, Josh Hamilton, even Cody damn Ross is getting both sets of eyes. But the Braves made the first move, finally, and they made it with Gerald Laird, which you can read about in an article featuring a picture of Josh Hamilton. A bold choice, certainly, but one that leaves the market fairly wide open for competing teams like the Phillies
Naturally, fans had questions. “Who is Gerald Laird?” “What position does he play? “What sport does he play?” Well, Gerald is a catcher, who will receive $3 million for two years of backing up Brian McCann. No one is sure just yet as to how this solves anything in the Braves’ center field quandary, but nevertheless, it does appear to be what has happened.
UPDATE: The Phillies matched the Braves now infamous Gerald Laird signing with by signing third baseman Josh Fields to a minor league deal. Neither team seems to know where center field is or the merits of the players they are signing. “Not every signing they are making is for center field,” a guy reading this as I typed it on the train explained.