Cards On The Table: Making It Easy For You… And Me

Usually, my “Cards on the Table” posts zero in on a particular player or event, and often times it’s something that had a profound impact on my baseball viewing life as a youngster.

This week, it’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I know we’ve all got better things to do then read a 2000 word soliloquy about why Von Hayes’ legs were too long or why the Ricky Otero era may have been the worst in Phillies history.

And yes, those posts will be coming soon.

But for this week, I decided to make it easy on you, and me. Below are some of my favorite Phils cards of all time, mostly because they’re some of the most humiliating photographs ever taken of human beings in recorded history.

This is Doug Bird’s 1979 Topps card. Doug Bird played 11 seasons in the Major Leagues, but only one with the Phils, in ’79, where he went 2-0 in 32 games with a 5.16 ERA before moving on to the Yankees. I mean, check out that facial hair. Are we sure Doug Bird isn’t also a werewolf?

Kent Tekulve’s 1986 Topps card. I mean, what is going on here? What is with those shades, Kent? I know the coke bottle glasses weren’t cool, but did you honestly think replacing the clear frames with a pair of jet black sunglasses would be an upgrade? It looks like a seven-year-old scribbled over his eyes with a permanent marker.

Speaking of glasses, Tom Hume’s 1987 Topps card features a man trying his very best to look tough, but failing miserably. How tough can you really look when you’re the spitting image of Louis Skolnik? Hume had a terrific arm, but his choice in eyewear was another matter.

I seriously had to look this guy up on Baseball Reference to make sure this wasn’t a card created by some dude named Porfirio Altamirano on his computer at home. Sure enough, he was a real, live baseball player who pitched in 60 games for the Phils in 1982 and ’83.

Sorry for the abbreviated post this week. We’ll give you more ugly Phillies in the coming weeks.