Cole Hamels Falls Several Hundred Votes Shy of Anything Resembling NL Cy Young

Southpaw banks on horrified Reds writer for fifth place vote

Dale Zanine-US PRESSWIRE

By now, everyone is going heart-shaped pupils over R.A. Dickey and his amazing loop-tacular baseball-throwing.  So otherworldy have the media deemed him, when they held their annual “Writers-Only” voting party to determine who they personally think is the best pitcher, then expect us all to care, and then yell at us when we disagree, they managed to throw Cole Hamels a vote.

Yeah, that’s right!  Even though his team didn’t make the playoffs and didn’t always give him the runs to win, so much that it kind of seemed like they hated him, these writers were impressed enough that they gave Cole a shot at the big time.

Well, one of them.  Mark Schmetzer of Reds Report in Cincinnati and author of Before the Machine (the story of the pre-’70s Reds, not an epic sci-fi yarn about an enslaved human race attempting to remember life before they were all forcefully plugged into the same hive mind) supplied Cole’s single fifth place vote, tying Cole with Aroldis Chapman for “8th non-contender” in the balloting.

So what did Schmetzer seen in 2012 from Cole Hamels that so impressed him?  For starters, the Phillies have never lost to the Reds when Cole Hamels pitches.  Realizing you’re watching the team you cover play against an unbeatable wall of a man is probably enough to squeeze a Cy Young vote out of you.  At this point, Schmetzer was probably hoping a vote for Cole would be enough to make the nightmares stop.  The last time the teams met with Cole on the hill, the Reds piled on an insurmountable 3-0 lead, which the Phillies battled by leaving 16 runners on base–nine by Dom Brown alone!

Somehow, they scraped together three sac flies and a whatever John Mayberry single in the bottom of the 11th, sending Mark Schmetzer to his knees, hurling his game story in the air, screaming “WHYYYYYYYYY” as the Phillies celebrated nonchalantly.  They seemed to save all of their 2010 Cole Hamels-esque 2012 games for Cliff Lee.

What?

Anyways, it is understandable now why Schmetzer felt obligated to feed the horrible Hamels monster from the night terrors that keep his kids awake at night.  And for that, we thank him, as our 2012 gets a brief morsel of purpose.  Ball it in with the J-Roll Gold Glove and chew it on it for the winter, everyone.