David Herndon Sucked Up, Assimilated with Amorphous Yankees Blob

Long reliever barely has time to scream before being ushered away by Yankees’ dark priests

Michael L. Stein-US PRESSWIRE

While the Phillies stand pat for the moment, allowing rumors to form and circulate in order to maintain a thick curtain of illusion before striking at a moment’s notice with some move that shocks the world, David Herndon’s offseason odyssey continues!

All year long, he was one of the guys that, boy, if we’d had in the bullpen, maybe it wouldn’t be such a piece of crap.  Or maybe it would!  That’s the fun of speculation.  It’s totally made up and basically irrelevant.  Sadly, any made-up whatevers about David became especially irrelevant after he left the team.  The Blue Jays snagged the recently repaired, 27-year-old righty reliever, and that was the end.

Having just dropped his luggage in front of [famous Toronto destination], staring up at the [famous Toronto skyscraper] in wide-eyed glee, David was notified by [famous Toronto personality] that he had just been plucked off waivers by a team called the New York Yankees.

Back on the bus he trudged, the whistling snow at his back, letting him wonder once more, what might have been?  The Toronto chapter of the David Herndon Story will be somewhat abbreviated and probably be the chapter right before the eight pages of personal photographs.  The Philadelphia one will be full of glorious recaps of intense, long relieving opportunities.  But now, caught in the Yankees net, David has a future ahead of him of contracts signed in bodily fluids; the endless cackle of unseeable demons in the clubhouse–interrupted occasionally by the “Are you gonna finish that’s?” of C.C. Sabathia–and the taste of ash in his mouth as he enters the sinister, labyrinthine world of Yankees baseball.

Best of luck to you, David; as the soulless eyes of your fellow players beg for death and the sound of crows squawking overhead haunt your afternoons.  We can only pray you have been put back together strong enough.