Wally Joyner Brought in to Assist Phillies in Offensive Rebirth

WATCH OUT FOR THAT EXPLODING SUPERNOVA 1993 WALLY JOYNER Mandatory Credit: Justin Klugh

The Phillies needed an extra man to fix that offense, and that man is Wally “Wally World” Joyner, whose name should really be Wally “Joiner,” as he joined the Phillies coaching staff yesterday.

I think this post is off to a great start, guys.

Wally will take on the role of “assistant hitting coach,” a position created after the role of “bench coach” was eliminated on the assumption that the bench could take care of itself and once rumored to be filled by Phillies legends Matt Stairs or Mike Sweeney.  His job will involve keeping the Phillies from looking like nine different very confused children waving a stick at a hornet’s nest that they have convinced themselves is a baseball.  By taking on this sacred duty, Wally will “joyn” Steve Henderson in trying to do what Milt Thompson and Greg Gross could not do separately.

Wally appeared on baseball cards from the late ’80s to early ’90s, playing for the Angels before they went “Anaheim” and Royals before they went with a plan to never make the playoffs again.  As a 24-year-old, he finished second in AL Rookie of the Year balloting to Jose Canseco and led the league in both sacrifice flies and having knives thrown at him.

That same year, while playing for Gene Mauch, managerial auteur of the 1964 Phold, he became the first rookie to ever start the All-Star Game, making him his generation’s Bryce Harper, and tied Darryl Strawberry for the Home Run Derby crown.

Wally also is on record for taking three steroids in his life that he got from talking to Ken Caminiti, then flushed the rest down the toilet.

He served as a hitting coach for the Padres from 2007-08, eventually stepping down due to the very low nature of the Padres’ batting numbers despite being best friends with everybody.

So that’s what we’re getting; a formerly young hitting phenom who gets along with everyone, but has yet to prove himself as a universally effective hitting instructor and whose staunch anti-PED stance will most likely clash with noted steroid-abuser and offensive juggernaut Freddy Galvis.