Turns out to be Minor Leaguer you’ve never heard of
Back when the Phillies were only assuming they would never make the playoffs, and not actually, mathematically eliminated, they began the wholly unsettling process of trading away their players. You remember, don’t you? Everyone said it would be Joe Blanton.
But it was Shane Victorino, and Hunter Pence. And then Joe Blanton. It was an exciting time, as we saw John Mayberry become an every day centerfielder and our enemies laughed at our desperation.
Fortunately, the way trades work is that we hand over one of our favorite, important players, and then we get other players in return. People laugh at our misfortune until a few years down the road, when the prospects we received in the trade reach the Major League level and are amazing and help us brutalize all the cackling enemies that pointed and giggled at our troubles.
We already acquired Josh Lindblom Ethan Martin, but the deal wasn’t complete because the Dodgers wanted to take a few weeks to mock us; “forgetting” to return our calls; claiming they’d “never even heard of a Phillies;” swearing their farm system was “out of the office for the rest of the month.” It was an undignified process, but the whole, horrible thing has finally come to an end, allowing for wounds to close and players to be named later.
That Player is young Stefan Jarrin, a low-low-low level shortstop prospect whose been hitting .211 in two seasons of the Arizona Fall League after being handed a bat 175 times. Just kidding. This is Rookie Ball we’re talking about. You pick up your own damn bat.
What perfect timing for the Shane Victorino deal to end. The team’s been eliminated. Our outfield’s been shifted dramatically. Everybody’s pissed.
But hey, Jarrin is the grandson of a Spanish Broadcasting Hall of Famer! That information has to be important because it is included in every update on this story.