Phillies Preparing to Die; All Hope Is Lost

“Rufwatch 2012” is in full swing. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Given the epic fail in Houston, the series loss to Atlanta, and this week’s beatdown at the hands of the Nationals, the painfully obvious now confronts the Phillies and their fans.

It’s time to die.

After last night’s loss to Washington, the Phillies are now down to their last strike. The “tragic” number is now one.

With a loss tonight against the Marlins in Miami or a loss by the St. Louis Cardinals to the Nats, the Phillies will officially be eliminated from the postseason.

Of course, everyone saw this coming after the merry misadventures in Houston two weekends ago. Once that disaster occurred, there was no reason to scoreboard-watch anymore.

That’s when “Rufwatch 2012” officially became a thing.

Seriously fans, it’s OK that this is all over. I know it’s been five years since we’ve had an October without the stress and worry of playoff baseball.

You know, it’ll be nice not to have chronic month-long migraines for once!

It’s alright. We’ll get through this together.

In fact, I think this would be a terrific time to come up with a list of things to do this fall to replace the sucking, gaping hole in our souls that was once filled by Phillies playoff baseball.

1. Clean up your freakin’ yard! Dudes, it’s been, like, half a decade since you raked the leaves in your yard. Go to Home Depot, buy a blower, and get that yard HGTV-ready.
2. Catch up on your correspondence. What, you think your friends are going to let you ignore them forever? Get out some nice legal paper and pen a quick hello to someone. Seriously, your Aunt Martha is lonely. Pick up the phone.
3. Plan Thanksgiving dinner. Hey, Thanksgiving dinner has about 14 courses to it. Plus, there are the tablescapes to consider. THE TABLESCAPES!!!
4. Visit an orchard. Have you ever tried fresh apple butter? If you haven’t, this is your opportunity. There is simply nothing better than fresh apple butter on… well… anything. You could smother a slice of pizza in apple butter, and it would automatically be better.
5. If your kid has a birthday, celebrate it this time. There will be no excuses this year. “I’m sorry son, but your birthday happens to fall exactly during Game 3. We’re going to have to postpone this to November, mmmkay?” That is not gonna fly this year.

Those are just five ideas. Of course, there are many others. The point is, just because the Phillies season could officially die tonight, doesn’t mean life has to end.

There will be a tomorrow. There will be hope.

One day soon, Larry Bowa will come back and take this team back from the mamby-pamby hands that have ruined the franchise this year.

One day soon, the Phils will be back to playing fall ball.

But until then, get out your bugle, warm up the old pipes, and get “Taps” all ready to go.

Dig the grave and build the coffin.

Let’s bury this nightmare of a season six feet under the ground.

Let’s be people of the world again. If only for one year.

At least, we hope, it’s just one year.