NL East Infection: Commitment Issues

Washington Nationals

“Wish somebody would marry ME….” Anthony Gruppuso-US PRESSWIRE

Nationals players are taking the extra step in trying to prove they are a part of our species by assimilating themselves with human women in the offseason.  Ryan Zimmerman, Michael Morse, Jordan Zimmerman, Edwin Jackson, Ross Detweiler, Craig Stammen, and Corey Brown will all be wed this winter, with no word yet on whether Ryan’s wife is secretly taking Jordan’s last name or vice versa.

Of course, the team’s lengthy “playoff run” could be an indication of their collective cowardice and procrastination toward tying the knot.  After all, the deeper they go into the post season, the shorter winter gets.  Next thing you know, you’re getting home in late October, the floral arrangements haven’t been ordered, the Gundersons are refusing to sit at the same table as the Jackson-Bakers, and there’s just no way we can put this whole thing together in a few months so why don’t we just wait until next winter, okay sweetie?

Naturally, I’ve always assumed that this Washington stretch run was fueled by cowardice.   But until now, I was just shouting in the dark.  Now, of course, it is day time, so everyone can see me as I stand in the middle of the Ben Franklin Parkway, informing everyone of the gutless cowards in our nation’s capital currently trying to win the World Series.

Stephen Strasburg had plans to get married but the Nationals ordered him to stay home all winter and to not use the stove unless somebody else is there and to call if he needs anything.

Atlanta Braves

"“I think it’s stupid, to be honest with you.”—Chipper Jones on the one-game Wild Card play-in"

The Braves have only just clinched the playoff berth that so hilariously eluded them last season, and Chipper Jones is already bitching about it.  Experts agree this is mostly due to the fact that Chipper will have already received all of his presents from each stadium on his farewell tour and will have to actually play a game without having a ceremony in his honor beforehand.

“No time for celebration! I HAVE COMMENTS TO MAKE!!” Daniel Shirey-US PRESSWIRE

It makes sense that the 17-year league veteran is quivering in childlike fear.  Last season, the Braves’ complete incompetence caused them to falter quite entirely down the stretch, leading to a Freddie Freeman double play that ended the season and ruined the lad’s batting helmet when he hurled it into the ground.

Jones, the face of the team that won 14 straight NL East division titles in ’90s but only won a single World Series, reportedly lives his life in fear, wondering when his next dark, disgusting, and/or despicable secret will come to light.  Analysts agree that if he would “just stop doing things” or “be a good person in some capacity” the tension would be eased, but sadly, the 40-year-old with an eight-year-old’s nickname refuses to grow up.

Miami Marlins

It has been a hectic week for the Marlins; players making dramatic public statements about management, then retracting those statements, then everyone waiting for the inevitable reaction from their mentally unhinged manager.

It all started when easily-hit Marlins closer Heath Bell spoke out against his manager, Ozzie Guillen, saying “It’s hard to respect a guy that doesn’t tell you the truth.”  Bell then acknowledged how bad he’d been in the first half, then went on to call his second half “tremendous,” which is not what a lot of baseball experts would deem “truth.”

Guillen, a manager known for firing back publicly, fired back publicly, saying “Every week it’s something. That’s why I don’t respect him as a person. You have to have principles.”

So there’s not a lot of respect between the Marlins bullpen and the dugout, but apparently the rest of the team has gelled quite amicably.  Players went to Ozzie’s defense on Twitter, but that hasn’t stopped the rumors that Guillen could be replaced by Mike Lowell for some reason.  Guillen’s job might be the cheapest one to take away and still make a statement about… something.

Then again, president of baseball operations Larry Beinfest may also be cleaning out his office, but hey–the important thing here is attaining Heath Bell’s respect.

New York Mets

Item!

The New York Mets will not be pursuing big-money free agents in the offseason!

Item!

The New York Mets will totally be keeping Jason Bay for another season!

Item!

The New York Mets have been eliminated from the playoffs until 2014!