Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

Filet FROM Fish: Marlins Fry Phils Bullpen, 9-2


This is what this time is for–enter a situation, put in the youngsters, see what they do.  It’s the experimental approach that gives us a reason to watch the games, or get out of bed in the morning.

And that’s the position the Phillies bullpen found themselves in last night, when they entered a 3-2 game in the eighth, their directive simple:  Hold the line… and give us a chance.

They failed.

You got the look of a man who just ruined everything. Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

Roy Halladay spent the first seven innings being analyzed by all means of face-talkers, who were deciding whether he was “back” or not, despite his one run allowed over his previous 15 innings.  He and opposing starter Mark Buehrle took turns shelling their respective lineups until the fourth, when Doc cracked first, proving once and for all that he is not back and his body is ruined and fuck it just nuke the place from orbit.

Justin Ruggiano had just left the game with an oblique he strained from striking out too hard, when Carlos Lee walked and Giancarlo Stanton slapped a double, putting Lee on third and forcing Hector Luna to chase down the baseball, offering viewers a split screen of speedless pursuits.

This was followed by a Greg Dobbs single and a sac fly that made it 2-0.  If you had enough of Dobbs to this point, I am sorry, because he is about to force himself on you.

If Greg Dobbs didn't force himself into things, he wouldn't get to go anywhere. Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

Over the next few innings, Ty Wigginton led a self-propelled mini-assault, bombing a home run to right field to get us within run and knocking in Kevin Frandsen with a single to tie it up.  A hopeful sign from a guy who’d been 4-for-35 to that point.  Sadly, this game would require more than a minute resurgence from a withered bench bat.

Dobbs would homer and be the last earned run Doc allowed before leaving the game after seven innings and and equal amount of K’s with one walk and six hits.  B.J. Rosenberg then stepped in to set the stage for a dramatic, late-inning sweep.

He crumbled like old cheese.  Jose Reyes walked because when is Jose Reyes not forcing himself on base, Carlos Lee singled,  Stanton singled, and Rosenberg’s job was done.  It wasn’t a very good job, mind you, but it was indeed over.  A run was in and two future runs were on first and second, which I believe is called “a Rosenberg.”  Dom Brown didn’t help matters by letting Lee and Stanton move up on the first single by throwing the ball to shortstop instead of any base.

Raul Valdes got an out and an intentional walk, then got relieved by Michael Schwimer, who fared worse than everyone, giving up a single, a double, and a single, until my god it was 9-2 and Jose Reyes, batting for the ninth that inning, mercifully grounded out.

The Phillies did  less than nothing in the ninth and missed out on a sweep by a lot.

WHY WON'T YOU JUST TALK TO ME Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

When It All Went Wrong

Dom’s errant throw in the eighth, as dictated by a disgruntled Chris Wheeler, should have gone to second to stop Stanton from moving up a base, but he tried to send it to third to nail the human slug-esque Carlos Lee.  This is just wrong, as you probably knew being a baseball genius, and therefore we can place 100% of the blame for this one on Dom Brown, as well as the blame for why my family left and why part of my house is on fire.

Most Attractive Play

That would be in the fourth inning, when Roy Halladay stopped play after walking Carlos Lee, because no no no no, that just doesn’t happen.  The umpires fearfully met, talked about not wanting to piss off Mr. Halladay, then ran to the Marlins’ dugout phone to call someone who knew what the count had been.

Hero

Ty Wigginton, who tried as hard as he could to keep us in it.  Sure, Doc tried, but Ty’s offensive strike, that ended after two at-bats, was all we had to make us feel competitive on a sweaty Wednesday afternoon.

Villain

Remember when Greg Dobbs stopped playing for the Phillies, and everyone was like, “Thank goodness Greg Dobbs won’t play for this team anymore.”  Then he became a starting third baseman on an awful team and also the leader of the offense sometimes when he felt like?

Tags: Recap Roy Halladay