Phillies Present Another Exciting, Meat-Filled Long Weekend with the Alumni

Hey, remember that guy who used to play for the Phillies?

Well, you won’t have to rely on your deteriorating memory much longer, because Phillies Alumni Weekend is once again right around the corner.  Sure, some–or what other people would refer to as “most”–of the Phillies legends you know and love have at one point been linked to, at the very least, offputting statements and/or actions.  Who of us hasn’t, I ask you?

Why, at my last birthday party, I was the MVP of the wiffle ball game, then burned the tool shed down in celebration.

“If you don’t come inside, I will call the police,” my dad yelled from the patio.

What a day!

Anyways, the Phillies have lined up a hell of a weekend this year, which will seem to involve almost no shed-fires.

Thursday

Q&A Sessions with Tim McCarver and Bill Giles; Mike Lieberthal and Kevin Stocker; Bobby Wine and Kent Tekulve

Each speaker will be giving talks on specific subjects, according to their expertise.

Tim McCarver:  “Just Remember When Everyone is Bitching About Me During a National Broadcast that I am Technically a Phillies Rep.”

Bill Giles:  “I Watched Kite Man Die: 1972 in the Philadelphia Phillies Organization.”

Mike Lieberthal:  “I’m Done: The Mike Lieberthal Story.”

Kevin Stocker:  “Lenny Dykstra Once Bet Me $500,000 that ‘Buster and Babs Are Totally Gonna Bang in this Episode.'”

Bobby Wine:  “We Got This:  1964 in the Philadelphia Phillies Organization.”

Kent Tekulve: “Dale Murphy’s Most Bullshit Home Run Ever.”

Friday

Appearances from Steve Carlton, Mike Schmidt, Larry Bowa, Dick Allen, Greg Luzinski, Garry Maddox, Tony Taylor, Bob Boone, Dallas Green, Juan Samuel, Darren Daulton and John Kruk.

Apparently, each Alumni Week has featured a ‘theme’ of some kind.  No, it isn’t going to be “the Phillies.”  That’s… that’s stupid.

Last year, in the midst of a historic 2011 Phillies rotation, the weekend focused on some of the no-hitters in team history, giving Tommy Greene and Rick Wise the spotlight.  Next year, rumor has it that a 20-year reunion is in store for Macho Row, for which local hotel bars are currently stocking.

In 2012, however, there is no theme in place, though it would have been very easy to generate one:  “My Worst Season with the Phillies.”  Obviously, this is not the best season in recent memory.  What better way to stabilize the fanbase than to have their greatest legends describe that even in their illustrious careers, there were times when the Phillies faceplanted at the starting line or imploded heartbreakingly close to the end, or in near-future Wall of Famer Mike Lieberthal’s case, weren’t really very close many, many times in a row.

Bull and Bowa could describe watching Lefty work in ’72, and how witnessing that yearlong atrocity didn’t demoralize them for their entire careers.  Juan Samuel could talk of  the transformation of being a World Series team in ’83 and a literally .500 ball club in ’84.  Schmidt could describe falling just short in ’86, a year in which everything else seemed to go right for him–winning the NL MVP, a Gold Glove, a Silver Slugger, and leading the league in RBI, home runs, and OPS.

But these guys won’t be there to talk, which in some cases may be good.  They are there to watch a fellow alumni go up on that Wall and cheese for the photo ops, so maybe they can talk about their darkest days some other year.  Or maybe the Phillies won’t ever have a bad year again!

SHUT UP AND BE CONSUMED BY THE OVERWHELMING NOSTALGIA AND JOY OF ALUMNI WEEK WITH ME

Saturday

Stephen Starr-Garry Maddox Barbecue Challenge,  Phillies alumni judge BBQ contestl 

Phillies Alumni Pregame Party with Pat Burrell & Darren Daulton

And of course, what could be better than meeting and/or looking at Phillies legends?  Being judged by them, of course.

No, there isn’t some kind of “baseball confessional” set up in which an uncomfortable and completely disgusted Dallas Green listens to your re-live your worst Little League memories through a veil of tears.  It’s the Stephen Starr-Garry Maddox BBQ challenge, judged by a panel of alumni.

They already gave away a brunch with Mike Schmidt, a combination of our nation’s two greatest entities.  But on Saturday, 45 pitmasters and 12 eateries will be attacking each other gladiator style with a variety of jagged skewering instruments going head-to-head in categories such as “chicken,” “ribs,” and “chef’s choice.”

All proceeds go to Garry Maddox’s charity, Youth Golf and Academics Program, and will take place between the left field and third base gates before the Phillies-Cardinals game, so everyone will be so crammed full of tangy meat that even if the game conjures up memories of the last Phillies-Cardinals game from 2011 to take place in CBP, they’ll be too immobilized to hurl anything at David Freese.

Meanwhile, Pat Burrell and Dutch Daulton will be hosting a rather ambiguous pregame party in which the young women of Philadelphia are asked to break free of the shackles of monogamy and celebrate freedom in the cradle of liberty by showing up without any dudes in tow.

Sunday

"“Fans are urged to be on the lookout all around the ballpark before and during the game – you never know where you might bump into your favorite former Phillies player!”–Phillies web site"

If that’s their way of warning us that Lenny Dykstra is on the prowl then they need to learn how to relay bad news.