Ice Cole: Hamels Freezes Braves, 3-0

Okay so somebody pissed Cole off, but fortunately, there’s no way to tell who it was, so all we had to do was sit back and watch as his conducted an orchestra of horror on those just awful fucking Braves and their hideous damn players.

"“Cole Hamels has yet to pitch the ‘FFFFFFFUCK YEAH,’ 6 year/$144 million start we were kind of hoping he’d have.”–This web site, several days ago"

Ha ha ha what?  Who would say that?  Whoever it was would now have to worry about a furious, insatiable Cole Hamels pounding their door down and brutally circle-changing them to death.  Poor sucker.

Now, I’ll just board up my windows and doors while sobbing like I do every night before I go to bed and call it a night.

Things started off great for the Phils on Jewish Heritage Night.  Jimmy Rollins doubled off Mike Minor, who is terrible, and Domonic Brown doubled behind him to drive him in.  Immediately, the Phillies were up 1-0.  Dom didn’t even consider not heading for second, illustrating a great attitude that will surely get him on the Wall of Fame after a glorious 16-year Phillies career.  Sure, Michael Bourn had him pretty much nailed if the throw had been just a tiny bit more accurate.  Stop noticing things!

**Twig snaps outside**

What the hell was that?!

**Cocks shotgun**

What, this?  I sleep with this every night.

Anyways, Ryan Howard continued the innings with a two-run bomb–of a southpaw, no less–and the Phillies were on their way.

On their way to nowhere, it seems, because no one else scored again for the entire game–though Erik Kratz and Nate Schierholtz both went 2-for-3.  Dom did throw out Brian effing McCann in the top of the fifth as the Braves catcher tried to, as usual, take more than he deserved by going for second on a base hit that caromed perfectly into Dom’s hand, allowing for his hose to do its thing.

Meanwhile, Cole allowed five hits through nine beautiful innings while K’ing six of the jerkiest jerks who ever jerked.  And that’s no reason to be afraiI SWEAR TO GOD SHOW YOURSELF HAMELS I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU.

**Shotgun goes off many times**

When It All Went Right

In the second inning, Chipper Jones singled like an asshole.  But then something happened.  Cole ate Freddie Freeman alive, then got the unkillable Brian McCann to ground into a double play.  Cole forced Braves fans to watch their greatest heroes humiliate themselves.

Things were going to go differently today.  111 pitches later, the Braves were decimated.

Most Attractive Play 

Hero

His name is Cole Hamels.

He was the conquering hero…

Villain

…and the heroic conquerer.