The grass outside Citizens Bank Park.
Hours before, the Phillies had miraculously walked off another late-inning comeback victory, their second in as many attempts. The city was bursting with positive energy, for some reason. The players were enthused. The fans were at least smiling. And Ty Wigginton had another brief, heroic moment to add to his Staind-infused career highlight reel.
Little did everyone know. Evil was lurking.
A groundskeeper was riding a lawn mower at 9:45 am when he ran over an object that “exploded,” killing no one and doing nothing. Naturally, the police were called.
They called in that robot that everyone hates to defuse it because nobody would care if it died. But it turns out it doesn’t even have the functionality to throw a baseball, let alone dissect an explosive device. So instead of laughing hysterically as a Penn science major’s life’s work exploded, the police had to stand there and stare a lawn mower for a while as a helicopter circled overhead.
The situation was called “unfounded.” No word yet on the status of the lawn. Will we attend the game tonight, seeing a half-tended lawn garishly misrepresenting the franchise?
Somebody call a robot.