"Yo if you pull this one out we get to go get slushies. Actually we'll get them if we win or lose so you know what do whatever you want." Dale Zanine-US PRESSWIRE

Cole Hamels Trying to Play off Traumatic Month for Fans as Just Some Thing He's Doing

“Every human being wants to know what their value is, in whatever job they’re doing.”

–Cole Hamels

And there’s Cole Hamels, making sweeping statements about all of humanity again.

I think he just wants us to believe he’s a normal guy, on the cusp of making an insane amount of money.  I think that for an instinctive fellow who, in the past, has said more than his share of things he wound up not really meaning, Cole is being refreshingly diplomatic in the most dramatic off-the-field time in his career.  I think he’s even gone so far as to make it painfully clear that he’d stay in Philly, or even leave and come back.  Even Jimmy said there’d be no hometown discount.

It’s charitable of Cole to lump himself in with the rest of mankind during this process, because at the moment he is a precious commodity, inspiring vapid salivation amongst a great many men in suits.

Look everyone! It's registered human Cole Hamels! Debby Wong-US PRESSWIRE

Everyone’s chimed in on the issue:  The fans, the players, the commissioner (???), even Cole’s friends.  Yes, he has friends other than us.  No, he might not even really consider us his friends.  A lot of ugliness is coming to light the past few days.  For instance, did you know that Cole Hamels might not even play for the Phillies anymore?

So, the Phillies have decided to start what could be an even more horrible process than it’s been by gathering together their pile of money and leaving it on Cole’s doorstep.

The dance begins.

What could factor into the step?  General paranoia informs us that if the Phillies keep getting worse, the team will become more desperate to trade Cole for prospects, instead of watching him walk.  My paranoia stems from Cole seeing the Phillies get worse and not wanting to be friends with them anymore.  I feel that way about a couple of guys, actually.  I live my life pretty paralyzed by fears of things.

Cole could be cheaply dismissed as one of those half-season rentals we’ve watched C.C. Sabathia or Carlos Beltran become over the lat few years.  Which would be odd, as we learn time and time again just how useless those gestures wind up being.

Not that the Phillies couldn’t use a fresh influx of young prospects, but Cole Hamels is not the piece to exchange for them.  Moving a Victorino or Pence would signify a conceding of 2012.  Moving Cole would concede the next few years.

Whatever’s going to happen has already started happening, and hopefully, it’s the thing we want.  Hopefully Ruben’s offer will be enough, or at least enough to avoid insulting anybody.  They have Chooch take it over to Cole in full catchers’ gear to play on the nostalgia angle.  Hopefully Cole’s value as an(other) ace starter on a rotation with the continued potential to anchor this team is clear.

The important thing is to stay positive.  Everyone wants this, so everyone will be working toward making it happen!  Luxury tax threshold?  So what if it’s a law!  We’ll buy the laws!  Then we’ll make our own!  The first one will be that Cole Hamels can only ever play for the Phillies!  No, it’s not “like a kidnapping.”  Stop drawing that comparison.

Who knows?  Ruben, Cole, and Cole’s agent could all be sitting in a quiet room as we speak, with Ruben’s highly generous and most acceptable offer between them, having a hearty chuckle over Cole thinking he might test free agency and imagining Cole hurling circle change after circle change in a Phillies uniform for years to come.

Or maybe Cole is in his basement, ignoring his wife, growing a grisly beard, and developing a ranking system for the human race.

That’d be messed up too.

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