McCann of Whoop-Ass: Everything Sucks for a Third time, Phils Lose 4-3

Shane Victorino was scratched late on Sunday.  Whatever scratched him, it was serious enough to take him out of the lineup and have him replaced by Jason Pridie, a guy who owns a glove and knows where the outfield is.

"Stop following me, center field is out there," Chooch whined. Eric Hartline-US PRESSWIRE

Another unknown replacement is hardly going to send shockwaves through the Phillies roster.  Except this time he did, but not the bad kind, like you think.  Pridie wound up 2-for-3, with all of the team’s RBI on the day via a double and a home run.  Pridie, not accustomed to playing with this team, used things like “a desire to win the game” and “his baseball bat,” creating a sense of positivity that we usually maintain for an inning or two before everything turns into bullshit.

Which is a pretty accurate microcosm of the day.

Chase Utley and Ryan Howard both appeared in the lineup, and went a combined 1-for-7.  Chooch had a couple of hits and scored a run.  Mike Fontenot was also there.

Vance Worley took the mound, super jazzed about that presentation he’ll be giving at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Reading on Tuesday. He pitched not terribly and remained effective through six, allowing three runs including a home run hit by Dan Uggla, who is baseball’s saddest story.  So many years in the league and the man can’t find a uniform that fits his awkward, grotesquely shaped body, it seems.

It's like stop trying to cartwheel-kick the umpire in the head already geeze. Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Unfortunately, an “effective” starter for the Phillies is one who needs to go eight innings in intense eat so that Jonathan Papelbon can trot in and get the fist-pump.  Six innings just meant we’d get a little cameo from the Phillies bullpen.  Raul Valdes gave up an at this point obligatory home run to Brian McCann, who has now done that in each of the last five games he has played against the Phillies.

Michael Schwimer and Jeremy Horst finished out the mayhem, combining for 1.1 inning of Bravesless bases.

And as the old saying goes, “The Phillies are 0-40 when losing in the ninth inning.”  Which they did.  Craig Kimbrel came out and molested Howard and Chooch with his sleazy repertoire, getting both on strikeouts, which culminated in a rather abrupt Hunter Pence lineup to put a cup on the first half Phils.

More like McCann CLOSER, right? Heh. Heh. What? Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

When It All Went Wrong

When Brian McCann’s parents got together to make an All-Star baseball player.

Most Attractive Play

Jason Heyward’s diving catch on what probably would have been a Juan Pierre double.

EDITED FOR ACCURACY:  Just kidding.  It was Ryan Howard’s two-dive defense on another weasley attempt by Michael Bourn to get one base.

Hero

Jason Pridie, for overcoming the awful PED-abuse he got while playing with the Mets and trying to win the game all by himself.

Villain

Oh, I don’t know.  Was it the guy who is an automatic home run when he plays against the Phillies?  Maybe it was.  Or maybe it was Sutekh, the Egyptian god of chaos and storms!

It was Brian McCann.

Topics: Jason Pridie, Recap

Want more from That Balls Outta Here?  
Subscribe to FanSided Daily for your morning fix. Enter your email and stay in the know.