After games like tonight, it is almost therapeutic to turn our attention elsewhere.
No, not alcohol! Put it down! Stop assuming that’s what I mean!
No, no, no… not your family. They left you weeks ago.
I mean literally elsewhere, as in, geographically. And why not, when a somewhat fulfilling outlet lies right in our own farm system? I’m talking, of course, about Reading, Pennsylvania, where our Double-A affiliate is gearing up to host the Eastern League All-Star Game.
Baseballtown is hosting a myriad of events showcasing the talents of the future, in an attempt to instill hope in a dying fanbase. This is not the only recent case of the franchise pointing at it’s farm system lately and going “Ehhh? Ehhhhhhhh?”
The fun begins July 10 at 7:00 pm, when the Reading Phillies invite you to strut on down to the Home Run Derby and Autograph Session. The even released a video in which their GM explains exactly what’s going on, instead of having house burned down for asking too many questions like some general managers I know.
The R-Phils are throwing a party on the infield of FirstEnergy Stadium, during the Home Run Derby. Using a set of revolutionary “Large nets,” partiers will remain mostly unscathed by batted balls as they fill up on precious alcohol and disturb strangers by telling them how they could have been a minor All-Star too, if they wanted to.
If you have money, an All-Star Gala is being held later that day at Building 24, The Works at Wyomissing. It costs $75 to get into a party where there will be an open bar and probably some other features that won’t matter after your sixth trip to the open bar and ninth 20-minute tirade about watching Travis Lee play first base.
On July 11 at the Crowne Plaza Reading Hotel, there will be a luncheon starring Vance Worley. Fans will be seated with EL All-Stars themselves, giving them the chance to pepper them with questions or force them to sign shit in case they become famous, and they can’t so “no thanks,” because then we will label them jerks and their careers will be ruined. The whole thing culminates with Vance’s four hour power point presentation on the trauma that can come from goggle-related bullying in our nation’s youth. It’ll be a fun day for all!
Then, later that day, the All-Star Game itself will take place, and if you haven’t been asked to leave Reading yet, now’s your chance to check out what everyone’s been murmuring about. No, not your behavior at the luncheon that had Vance Worley calling for security in the middle of his “Why Rec Specs are cooler than normal glasses” slide.
The game! There will be young talent! There will be a pregame concert! There will be post game fireworks! And most importantly, there will be a happy hour, in which beer will be a dollar off! And this is minor league beer we’re talking about! It’s not even filtered through a standard of gouging you financially!
So, if the Phillies got you down, which they do, don’t lie to yourself, maybe truck out into the burbs for a lookee-loo at tomorrow. You won’t regret it. Though everyone else might.