Apr. 27, 2011; Phoenix, AZ, USA; Philadelphia Phillies catcher Brian Schneider against the Arizona Diamondbacks at Chase Field. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-US PRESSWIRE

Brian Schneider Sprains Ankle in Completely Necessary Home Plate Collision

We may never know just why Sean Rodriguez went about three feet out of his way to pulverize Brian Schneider.  Maybe Brian took too long while picking Sean’s kids up from school.  Maybe he grabbed him a mushy banana at the grocery store.  Maybe Sean was all like, “Hey!” and Brian was like, “Hi,” and Sean felt like that wasn’t enough an excited enough greeting to celebrate their long, enriching friendship, and become greatly insulted.

But whatever the reason, the line of Phillie waiting to walk into a buzz saw got a little shorter, again, as one of the Phillies had to leave a game to possibly join their friends on the disabled list.  Again.

This time, it was back up catcher, weak pop-up advocate, and generally nice guy Brian Schneider whose body broke down, in his case, in the form of a right ankle sprain.  The injury occurred in the second game of a humiliating double-header, when the Phillies were actually still in the game, trailing only by a run.

“Maybe they’ll win!” we stupidly thought.

Then the Rodriguez play happened, and suddenly, two more runs were scored and our catcher had been trampled to death for some reason.  Rodriguez was so far from home plate that he actually had to stand up, wipe the bits of Brian Schneider off his uniform, and go back to touch it.

Of course, nobody thinks it was his intent to do so, but it is impossible to penetrate the head of a psychotic murderer like Rodriguez, who is fueled by the salty aroma of human suffering.

“I was thinking slide the whole way.  It wasn’t like I was even trying to hit him.”

Sean Rodriguez

Oh, sure, sure.  We get it, Sean.  You saw that little smile on Schneider’s face as he thought about his kids between pitches and it just made you sick.  You saw a piece of happiness in this world and you couldn’t stand it.

“I’ll wipe that stupid grin off his peanut-face,” you probably said in the batter’s box.

“What?” Brian and the umpire probably both asked simultaneously.

Brian waited one pitch before signalling to the dugout that he had to leave the game and Cliff Lee signaled to everyone by throwing his arms in the air that he was really pissed off.  Now, the only thing left to decide is how many days Brian will miss.  X-rays were negative, so the DL seems to be ruled out, but I think we all know we are all merely one crossing of Sean Rodriguez away from horrible injury.

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