Ironpigs’ FeRROUS Advances in High Intensity Mascot Contest
By Justin Klugh
A bright spot shines through the murkiness of current Phillies news. Half the infield and the ace starter are down, but you will be relieved to know the mascot of our Triple-A affiliate lives on.
FeRROUS is currently enrolled in a bracket-style popularity contest amongst what looks like at least 100 minor league mascots from all over the country, including the Reading Phillies’ Crazy Hot Dog Vendor. No, once they are eliminated, they are not cast into a pit of fire as the silhouettes of ambiguous overlords stand watching the execution, one of their hands resting on the lever that sent the costumed gentleman to his demise.
But they are left out of the glory that is advancing to the next round! And many will tell you that that is the same thing as not burning alive.
FeRROUS defeated the Scranton Wilke-Barre Yankees mascot Champ, a satisfying defeat for several reasons. Scranton Wilkes-Barre, of course, being the team whose mascot has in the past sued them for violating worker protection laws, and been arrested for internet sex things. FeRROUS, on the other hand, does most of his mascotting out of pure passion, and was forced to take a job with the Ironpigs’ grounds crew to help make ends meet.
The contest was hyped as a grudge match between the Phillies previous Triple-A team, formerly known as the Red Barons, and the current steward of our future stars in Lehigh Valley. Naturally, emotions were high. Barbs were exchanged. Only no one could hear them because they were muffled from behind enormous costume head pieces. One might say we can’t even be sure they were insults, due to the incoherence of the statements.
But we are fan base still reeling from an upset in a previous mascot competition this year; our wounds are still raw, our mascots still painfully unacknowledged. This victory comes at a time when the city needs it most; whether that city is the blissfully unaware hills of Lehigh Valley or the alarmingly enveloping smog clouds of Philadelphia.
To crush both the Yankees and our past in one fell swoop is a win that will send shockwaves through multiple organizations. We can only wish FeRROUS luck as he continues his crusade to glory, BURNING ALL THOSE WHO STAND IN HIS WAY.