The bats won't even stay in his hands because he is TOO HOT TO THE TOUCH Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Chooch is Okay, Please Stop Calling, Request Phillies

If you’re like me, you sit up in bed a lot, heart racing and cold-sweating.  Tonight, there will actually be a reason, beyond snake-ridden night terrors.

Chooch was in the middle of what has become a pretty standard 2012 performance (except for the “batting cleanup for the first time in his life” part), going 3-for-4 with two singles and a double, eating Danny Espinosa alive in a bang-bang play at the plate, and probably giving the team an inspirational speech at some point late in the game.

In the eighth inning, however, Espinosa, in an undignified fit of jealousy, fouled a pitch off Chooch’s wrist.  Our new cleanup hitter went for a walk and had one of those hushed conversations with the trainer while everybody crouched.  Meanwhile, the dwarfish Espinosa retreated to a nearby corner to have himself a congratulatory cackle.

Unfortunately for him, Chooch out-chooched himself and stayed in the game, despite being in obvious pain. Afterward, he was x-rayed and cleared of all horrifying injuries, which was information the Phillies were comfortable putting up on their web site hours later, but not comfortable telling people who call the dugout phone in tears during the game (a phone number they received by blackmailing Kyle Kendrick).

So, Chooch is fine.  More than fine, really.  He’s so hot right now umpires are tossing him from baseball games just to make it fair to the other team.

Tags: Carlos Ruiz Chooch

comments powered by Disqus