TO: Phillies fans
FROM: Phillies PR
Thanks for your frighteningly consistent patronage! But as you can see, the Phillies baseball season isn’t going so great. There have been glimmers of hope, but when you’re not stringing them together and explaining why everything is fine to a spouse as they shake their head or co-workers as you are supposed to be giving a presentation, it can be easy to get bogged down by the losses.
And hey, you don’t want to know what the Phillies are up to with Ryan Howard and Chase Utley. And we don’t want you to know, either. So let’s all take that completely normal ban of all inside information quite receptively. It’s what that beloved Philadelphia sports icon you love would have wanted.
In fact, here, why not distract–er, relax yourself with a beach vacation! You can check out Atlantic City, go shopping, and even–hey, what’s this? Why, you could even watch the Phillies outside. Yes, we’re sending you on a dream getaway, or at least, suggesting one to you, but even when you’re gone, we’ll make sure you still get to watch your precious Phillies. A huge screen will be set up on Arkansas Street for all to enjoy!
So you see? We’re completely relate-able millionaires, just like you. And if we want to be up to god knows what, you should let us. Because then we can all benefit from a suddenly-healthy Ryan Howard, even if he is what one doctor described as “biologically wired to explode within 12 months.”
Ha, ha, ha. Go Phillies!
Hey, look over there,
Phillies Public Relations