Well, here are again. Except instead of here, we’re… here. At home, facing the Nationals, not forcing our way in while Mike Ricco and co. try to hold the gates to Nats Park shut. Jayson Werth’s Beard joins us again, despite his owner’s noted absence due to injury, and he was more than willing to answer some of our obnoxious, run-on questions with educated answers.
With the Battle of the Beltway finally containing two teams of significance, so you see this yearly contest to be the future of baseball’s most intense rivalry? Will we see endless off-the-field intensity between fan bases? Nationals fans leaving dead orioles on the doorsteps of the pubs in Inner Harbor? Sneaking into the aquarium and letting all the sea creatures loose to wreak havoc, only to realize they can’t survive outside of their tanks and watch in horror as they flop around a bit and die?
First off, let me begin by making it crystal clear that I only agreed to do this interview because I have absolutely nothing else to do right now, with my owner being out of commission for the next month and a half (THANKS, POLANCO!). Anyhow, onto your question. They’re already sacrificing rubber chickens down here, so I wouldn’t put anything past them. Aquarium break-in doesn’t quite seem to be their style, but if they pulled off something ala “Free Willie,” that would be pretty awesome.
I heard Stephen Strasburg was suffering from a condition doctor’s refer to as “being tired.” Did they get him to his bed in time? Or did he fall asleep in the car, probably taking a few years off his career? Did they leave his teddy bear in his race car bed or bring it with them for the car ride? Who carried him into the house and gave him a peck on the cheek? And, so forth.
Yes, he is tired…of being ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! So very tired! Takes a toll on guys sometimes, but he is young and will learn how to cope with this better in the future.
So it hasn’t taken long for the Nationals to start demanding money from everybody. How quickly was the young team corrupted by their own success?
Peter Angelos is a money grubbing assbutt! (Are you allowed to say assbutt in a blog?) [EDITOR'S NOTE: On this blog it's actually required]. I will personally see to it that this jerkface shells out the money that is rightfully ours and that he never walks down Eutaw Street in celebration again!
How much faith is too much faith to have in Henry Rodriguez? And is Stephen Strasburg okay? I just wanted to make sure nothing happened to him between that second question and this one.
What the hell kind of interview is this?!? We are on question 4, and there has yet to be a question about ME! Ugh. Moving on… With fastballs approaching speeds of 137 miles per hour, I don’t think you can ever have too much faith in HRod. Well, perhaps when his command is not too hot, but that is neither her nor there. Anwyays, Stephen is great! He just got finished running up and down the Art Museum steps 3,257 times!
Do you think they’ll let me into Citizens Bank Park during this series with my giant, obsolete ’90s cell phone? Why yes, it does need 26 d-cell batteries to run and I’m bringing about 40 backups and my seats are in left field. But it’s for emergencies.
Oh no, did something happen to your razr?
Speaking of Harper, Orioles’ Matt Wieters told the brash young rook to “just be himself.” I give the kid credit–the persona he developed in college has yet to truly reveal itself at the Major League level, minus, you know, hitting himself in the face with a bat. But what sort of behavior could we all be in for–including YOU, beard–should Harper pull back the curtain and let his freak flag fly?
Oh hooray, another question that isn’t about me! Bryce’s college day’s are well behind him, much to the dismay of many, I’m sure. That was so long ago!
Good luck, Philadelphia! My owner should be back in action when our teams meet in August.