Game Day Six-Pack: “NO TOUCHING!!!”

Hey, guys!  As the Phils infiltrate Nationals Park, there is a lot of negative energy floating around–they don’t want us to show up, they think it’s their year, we’re sucking, everybody’s mad at Charlie, or the bullpen, or I’m not sure I haven’t checked the Rage Schedule this morning.  Anyways, let’s remember that it’s just a game and that Phils-Nats may just be the next great MLB rivalry.  In the spirit of good fun, I’ve interviewed Jayson Werth’s Beard and hopefully can extend the laughs to you!

UPDATE: Friday night, 11:15 pm:  CHARLIE SUCKS WHERE WAS PAPELBON WE NEED OFFENSE TRADE BLANTON AND MAYBERRY FOR JUSTIN UPTON THROW FLAMING GARBAGE AT STEPHEN STRASBURG THE PRESIDENT BRIBED THE UMPIRES WITH BARFING PROSTITUTES BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG

Obviously, objectivity becomes blurred when rooting your own players, despite their image from other team’s perspective. A few months ago I was roaring with laughter as Jonathan Papelbon left the field in Camden Yards in utter shame. Now I’m ready to buy him a steak dinner. My point is, Bryce Harper. Obviously you respect the talent, but how do you get past the douche?

By douche, do you you mean the most exciting player in baseball right now? Or a kid with a really bad haircut? (sorry Bryce!). On a serious note, Bryce is surrounded by good teammates who will keep him in line. Besides, I’m not sure anything can get more douchey than this:

[EDITOR’S NOTE: There was no image following this answer in the email, so we are forced to assume it was meant to be a picture of Bryce Harper.]

ANOTHER UPDATE: According to @JWerthsBeard, our assumptions were wrong and the picture was supposed to be this.

Bet everybody’s pretty nervous about seeing Laynce Nix again, eh? **elbows you knowingly** Eh? **elbows you again, much harder this time**

NO TOUCHING!

Laynce can be a beast sometimes. Plus, anyone whose name includes a Y is cool in my book.

Everybody keeps talking about this campaign to stop Phillies fans from getting into the park. Some groups of Phillies fans, however, are planning on getting in “…complete with an online map of the stadium pointing out where traveling fans should set up camps.” My question for you is this: What the fuck? A “map?” “Camps?”

Other than throwing snowballs at Santa Claus and puking on children, you guys are swell! (I kid, I kid!) This map you speak of also pointed to the pitching mound – does this mean fans will be rushing the field as well?? Oh my!

You used to be a Phillies fan, right? As part of Jayson Werth, I feel like I remember you tweeting about the Phillies and liking them and everything. Now you routinely talk some decent smack. What was it like to have to switch sides? Was the transition period awkward?

Elite facial hair is a package deal. Where our owners go, we go. The Nationals had a facial hair rule prior to Jayson’s arrival, but luckily they changed it to accommodate me. As far as the transition goes, the whole thing was kind of like a divorce, with daddy (JW) taking me away from mommy (the Phillies) and me having no say in the manner. We moved to a new town where I had to try and get the DC kids to like me.

Does getting shaved hurt? I imagine it’s like getting a haircut, only your entire body is being ripped apart.

Is this a serious question?!? [EDITOR’S NOTE: ARE YOU A SERIOUS BEARD?!?]  I suppose it is the equivalent of being punched in the gut, and then having your arms and legs chopped off.

Nats PR guy Andrew Feffer has said that if the “Take Back the Park” campaign fails, “We are not done yet.” Does he really think he can out-horrible us?

They never really keep me in the loop, so I have no idea. Then again, he did say he’d stick you guys across the river and make you swim to get to the park, so you never know.  [EDITOR’S NOTE: That river is disgusting.]