Phast Phive: Old Phriends

We saw Mike Zagurski last night for an inning.  He threw many balls.  In honor of his call-up, which I assume was timed to coincide perfectly with the Phillies’ visit, thus up the tension to unimaginable levels, and therefore drive ticket sales, here is a picture of Mike with his new team during this year’s Spring Training.

He is the one being mostly obscured by a poll.

Links, coming in hot.

Justin Klugh

So this graphic was pretty cool, as I just figured that $7.75 for a plastic cup full of warm ass-juice was standard fare for a Major League ballpark.  But no, it turns out that’s just at The Bank, where, to be fair, the beers are also the biggest of any other stadium.  So, if we use simple math, we can deduce thaHOLY FUCK YOU CAN BUY A BEER FOR $4.00 AT CHASE FIELD?!  FOUR DOLLARS?!?!?

**Counts money in wallet, realizes plane ticket is ungodly expensive, slouches in chair, cries**

Well, why don’t we all head somewhere a bit closer, like D.C.?  Maybe do one or two of those despicable acts we love?

**Tries to buy tickets to May 4-6 Phillies-Nationals games**

Wait a second… are they still trying to keep Phillies fans out of Nationals Park?!  And they’ve resorted to bribery?! Why, if these Nationals aren’t careful, they’ll corrupt themselves right into Phillies fan territory!

John Ricco

What a shitass weekend. Instead of taking the easy way out and providing links about just how terrible the Phils are, I scavenged through the internet looking for someone that wrote some positive words about the team. The best I could come up with? These ESPN power rankings, which have the Phillies at 9, up three spots from last week.

I did read another not-entirely-pessimistic piece on the Phillies this weekend. Over at Crashburn Alley, Michael Baumann takes a look at what it will be like to be a Phils fan this year. If you’re not familiar with Michael’s writing, he’s pretty damn good, and is a departure from the usual saber-heavy stuff found at that blog.

John Stolnis

When one looks at the current active roster of the Philadelphia Phillies, one is struck by the sheer number of veterans employed by Ruben Amaro and his merry band of spenders. Of course, some of these veterans are about as worthless as hen crap on a pump handle (Laynce Nix I’m looking in your direction). But as Bob Brookover wrote earlier this week, for all the wailing and gnashing of teeth about the age of this current group of Phils, it’s not their age that’s the problem. It’s their health. And while one could argue that one might have something to do with the other, it’s also fair to point out that being 32, 33 and 34 years old doesn’t exactly qualify one for AARP.

There is some slightly good news on the horizon. The Phillies have four picks in the top 100 of the upcoming MLB Draft. It’s the first time since 2008 the Phils have had that many picks in the Top 100. Unfortunately, their first pick isn’t until #40, and in baseball you can’t trade picks in order to move up in the draft. This rule MUST be changed, by the way. Allowing teams to trade picks for other picks, and even players, would make the trade deadline and the MLB Draft a whole lot more fun. In fact, I sense longer blog post on this issue in the near future. Hey, I called dibs!

Tony DiStefano

Due to lack of doing things that make me want to search the internet for Phillies related items, I have made the executive decision to include a clip of highlights from the 2008 post season. You will notice that both Ryan Howard and Chase Utley can walk around and play baseball in this montage. I have just gone and upset myself again.

I found this and it helped me attempt to put the Phillies offense in perspective. On the other hand, John Mayberry Jr. Now I have upset myself at every opportunity.

Ethan Seidel

Believe it or not, there are teams out there that are worse off than the Phillies. The gang over at Deadspin highlighted the futile state to which Royals fans are in. Royals fans have found ways to cope with their teams ineptitude, which hopefully we won’t have to resort to. (hint: take a look behind the plate).

In case you are still having trouble visualizing just how bad the Phillies offense has been, Bill Baer has broken it down by position with a nifty graph. Somehow it looks much much worse in graph form.