Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Phanatic to Once Again Frolic Across City Spreading Thick Layers of Joy, Feces


For another year, handlers have sedated the Phanatic and dyed him a celebratory shade of red for “Paint the Town Red Week,” March 29 – April 3, leading up to MLB’s Opening Day.  And also for another year, the Phanatic has awoken several hours later, caught a reflection of himself, assumed he was another Phantic encroaching upon his territory, and been driven into an inconsolable rage, trashing his containment cell and severely injuring some of the slower members of his handling staff.

Yes, if they’re hurriedly pushing a handful of gurneys into the Phanatic’s containment area, you know baseball can’t be too far off!

Naturally, the Phillies would like to take this show on the road, so Phanatic will be the headliner of several appearances across Philadelphia.  Undoubtedly bringing joy to millions, the campaign has kicked off the Phillies’ season for several years, despite it’s side effect of filling our streets with intimidating clumps of Phanatic poop, which dwarf the normal, massive amounts of animal and people feces that regularly decorate our fair town.

Nevertheless, this has become an unavoidable tradition, and there is no way to delay it, no matter how many dump trucks the city has to use simply for Phanatic waste removal.

You can find a list of dates and appearances right here, in case you want to flock to where he will be, or depending on his mood, get out of his way.  Phanatic will be doing everything from attending a fashion show at Macy’s in Center City to leading the Phillies 5K on the 31st, as long as the starter’s pistol doesn’t send him into one of his trademark “fits.”  Ruben Amaro will be present to maintain order, assuredly with the whistle he wears around his neck that is only heard at a frequency the Phanatic can here.

The Phanatic isn’t red very often, folks.  Only for one highly anticipated week a year, and once when he was stained with blood during his initial capture at the hands of a young Harry Kalas and a squad of Galapagos commandos.  Be sure to jump on the event closest to you and join in the festivities as we reel in the greatest time of year by hanging out with an easily startled wild animal.

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