Phast Phive: Phoreshadowing

In honor of The Rotation by Todd Zolecki, here is the 2012 Phillies rotation, via a picture of the 2011 Phillies rotation.  As long as you forget about Vance Worley, which no one should do, because Vance is awesome.

I only just finished Drinking Coffee With a Fork, so I am only several decades behind everyone else when it comes to bookworthy Phillies starting rotations.  Hooray!

Here come those links you’re dying for.

Justin Klugh

Hey, everyone.  Did you know Ryan Madson is injured?  Well, I did.  Because I know everything.  And so do the Phillies.  Which is why they let go of Ryan, who has “irritation in his arm.”  The Phillies are so much smarter than us!  Just accept it!  Or they’ll probably kill you, somehow.  Go ahead and assume I’m wrong.  You’ll wake up with Ruben Amaro standing over your bed holding a silenced pistol.

Okay, look, Nationals fans.  You’re getting pretty pompous for a fanbase that could not have existed before 2005.  Many other franchises have suffered many years of shitty play, poor luck, and low attendance.  You are in that stage.  And though you are getting better, you cannot act like you are a long-suffering group of fans who are in dire need of a championship.  Yes, you used to be the Expos.  Congratulations.  I’m sure the seven people who held season tickets in Montreal–you know, the seven fans who opposed the team relocating and re-branding–have been true fans forever.  But you cannot pretend that you deserve to become all hateful and bitter when, in the grand scheme of things, you haven’t suffered all that much.

Hi there!  We’re the Phillies fans.  We’ve existed longer than most teams–129 seasons–and have two World Series championships to show for it.  We have Black Friday.  We have Joe Carter.  We have 1972.  We got blown off by J.D. Drew.  We signed Jeremy Giambi.  Our heroes are guys who have gone onto build post-apocalyptic bunkers, swear they can talk to lizards on live TV, and be thrown in prison.  We’ve blown it far more than we’ve won it.

So don’t act like you’re this heroically victimized franchise who deserves to have their home field cleansed of enemy fans.  Your time is coming, but until it does, for your own dignity’s sake, stop behaving as if you’ve earned the right to peace and quiet by struggling through the last seven years knowing you had top draft picks just waiting for a chance to shine.

Ethan Seidel

If your looking for a good way to pass the time, check out Michael Baumann’s ultimate fantasy baseball question: You’re tasked with winning every single of the next 10 World Series – what 25 man roster do you construct to achieve this goal? His 2012 edition offers some new, and younger faces, many of whom are no doubt high on many other fantasy baseball lists. A word of caution, reading this may cause serious debates with your friends and loved ones with no end in sight.

Jonathan Nisula over at the Citizens Bankers wrote about how the Phillies offseason should really be measure by what other teams didn’t do. I knew it would be a good thing not having to see Alber Pujols or Prince Fielder this year, but the numbers show just how much these two have hurt Phillies pitching. While there would have been some benefit to seeing the Nationals over-pay to bring in one of these stars, i will sleep better at night knowing they can’t hurt us anymore…until the World Series.

 John Ricco

WholeCamels takes a look at Tony No-Dad’s historically low BABIP figures (remember that time when we weren’t sure if he was ever going to give up a hit again?). He tries to make sense of the lefthanded relief pitcher’s 2011 season in order to get an idea of what to expect this coming season.

Like me, I’m sure you have always spent most of your life wondering, “Why isn’t there a rap song about Roy Halladay, exotic snakes, and baseball metrics?” Your days of suffering are over, my friend.

John Stolnis

I know most of Philadelphia is still pining after the most awesome, tubular, totally rad middle infielder in Phils history, Wilson Valdez. His departure has left a gaping hole in my heart, too. I’m going to miss that dyed goatee, his double-play grounders and occasional big knock with runners on base. He left our lives too soon and all for what, stupid Michael Martinez? Well, the boys over at Brotherly Glove think Valdez’ departure may have had less to do with Mini-Mart and more to do with other reasons, namely Galvis and Wigginton. Either way, Valdez was ripped from us with the cruelty of Stalin’s Russia, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again.

I don’t know who is in charge over at CNNSI’s twitter feed, but I gotta say, they are doing a bang-up job. Last week, they tweeted a picture of Schmidt, Rose and Bowa that I had a lot of fun with, and this week, they give us John Kruk in all his 1992, slimmed-down goodness. Hey fellas, got any pictures of Gregg Jefferies smashing a water cooler with his bat anywhere in the vault?

And finally, it’s good to see A.J. Burnett’s departure from the Yankees won’t leave the Bronx Bombers in the lurch. Nick Swisher has gladly volunteered to step up and take over Burnett’s duties as the post-game shaving cream pie-in-the-face guy. Because it’s just not baseball unless someone is smashing a paper plate full of shaving cream in the face of that evening’s hero. After all, that job did wonders for the career of Chris Coghlan, didn’t it?

Tony DiStefano

Bastardo. With this sort of awesome name, it is really hard not to like Antonio Bastardo. The good phight examines what we can expect from one of the first recipients of Jonathan Papelbon’s new contract (Rolex owner thanks to Papelbon).

Former Met Lenny Dystra got himself in a bit of trouble. On a side note, I would think twice about taking stock advice from Lenny for awhile.