After a brief coup, the Phanatic seized power yesterday in Clearwater, Florida. A forced ceremony took place in which the town surrendered it’s key to their new overlord as he laughed and danced in open mockery of their suffering.
Clearwater Mayor George N. Cretekos wept bitterly as he gave up his seat of leadership, unsure of exactly what the Phanatic’s plans are. “The Phillie Phanatic has been exciting Phillies fans throughout the country for years,” Cretekos muttered forcibly, choking back tears as his captor dangled a picture of his wife and family in front of him. “We in Clearwater are pleased to welcome him back and to help him relax and train before the start of another successful Phillies season.”
Is this the first wave of larger invasion from the Galapagos? Experts tasked with charting the movements of the Phanatics’ original tribe had long closed their operation, assuming after decades of benevolent behavior, any hostility toward his captors would have evaporated long ago.
However, no one could have predicted the sudden change in Phanatic’s motives, and whether they are the result of a short term offense, or a long simmering hatred of mankind left dormant in order to build trust remains to be seen.
Touring the town after his establishing his presence, the Phanatic ripped through local businesses, devouring the majority of the food supply within two hours. According to reports, his hunger will remain satiated for only a brief amount of time, and he will undoubtedly turn to area schools for his next meal; or in some cases, merely pick off those humans unable to outrun him during the hunt. Scientists have clocked the Phanatic topping out at 40 mph when chasing prey.
The U.S. Department of State’s response to the situation remains “We will negotiate with ridiculous mascots, no matter how hilarious and charming they may be, especially when they dance on the dugout. We will, however, prepared to hand Clearwater over to Phanatic as long as he agrees to pose with our children for several photo-ops.”