Jeff Curry-US PRESSWIRE

Phillies Place Baseball Bat in Ryan Howard’s Quivering Hands


This process is barreling along quite dangerously.

It’s one thing to see Ryan Howard fielding ground balls.  Defense is fine; defense is important.  But handing Ryan a glove and seeing what he can do is not the point of having a Ryan Howard on your roster.  The big moment, then, is handing him a bat.

I mean, look at him.  He’s enormous.  Anyone having a conversation with Ryan Howard; a fan, the guy doing his taxes, his fiancee; is secretly ignoring every word he says while picturing him ka-smash never-ending home runs into parts of space yet to be explored by man.  Yes, Ryan, I am sure you have some really important thoughts on quantum physics.  Wait, wha… what’s this?  I just found your favorite bat and a bag of balls in my pocket!  Hey, you don’t think you could… if you don’t mind… maybe take a few cuts while I giggle in the dugout?

So when an important part of Ryan’s body explodes, the thing we’re all wondering is, can he still hit?  How is his hitting?  Are his offensive mechanics intact?  SOMEBODY GET THIS GUY A BATTING CAGE.

The Phillies did this the other day, in yet further proof that Ryan’s rehabilitation of his ruptured Achilles is noving much faster than anyone could have predicted.

“Like, seriously,” an unnamed Phillies trainer told this web site yesterday, looking rather pale and sleepless and sucking down a cigarette.  “Look at these x-rays.  It’s like the injury almost never happened.  I’ve never seen anything heal this fast.  I have this theory that Ryan stumbled upon an asteroid in a field and, after touching it, may have absorbed some sort of fantastic powers–shit.”  He then reached down to grab a half empty bottle of meds that fell out of his pocket.  “Sorry, these are for my completely normal ‘mental issues’ that I have.”

It seemed especially strange for me to notice him dropping the pills, as our exchange was occurring via email and he could have just easily not included that information in the text.

But no matter!  The important thing is that Ryan is reunited with a bat, like a fallen hero ressurecting and reclaiming his mythic weapon of choice.  We must be cautious, and with like four slow-moving, able-bodied “utility” players on the roster, we can hopefully cover for Ryan long enough that a rushed return is not necessary.

Meanwhile, let’s all watch ignore what Ryan is saying and picture him hitting a home run ball into a blimp carrying the St. Louis Cardinals.

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