We had our own theories as to what role Shane Victorino was going to play on “Hawaii Five-0,” but CBS cleared up that critical debate by just telling us the answer. You will be disappointed to know that Shane will not be portraying a murderous spectre from the netherworld, but rather a part the show is calling “a business executive.”
Which may not be capitalizing on Shane’s background. I feel he has so much more to contribute theatrically than the shell of a businessman can explain. Besides, there will a variety of other factors in play.
What if the Phillies PR team gets their hands on the script and demands that Shane’s character be as nonthreatening as possible?
Detectives: …so the murdered girl worked here for five months?
Shane Victorino wearing a suit and sitting behind a desk: Yes, she was part of our internship program that we give to students from lower income families. That’s just how we do things at Friendship Time, Inc.
Detectives: Interesting. Do you know if she had any enemies? Perhaps… surfer enemies? This is Hawaii, after all.
Shane Victorino: That’s true, it is. But I’m sorry to inform you that there are no people with enemies working here. I’ve made sure of that. Now, who’d like some Hawaiian coffee? It’s just regular coffee with a pineapple next to it. I’ll have my assistant bring some in.
Phanatic enters, pushing a cart of fresh coffee. He begins flashing the detectives as the studio audience goes wild.
Will they capitalize on his baseball player status by spending the episode winking at the camera?
Detectives: Thanks for meeting us at your company softball game, Mr. McTorino.
Shane Victorino wearing a batting helmet, gloves, and business suit while stretching: No problem. Anything to help the local community, whether it be internships or murder resolution.
Detectives: It really is wonderful what you do for the community. The whole state of Hawaii, really. Your actions as a… “businessman”… inspire us all.
Shane hits a softball a country mile.
Shane Victorino: What’s that? Sorry, I like to concentrate here; every time I hit a home run, Hawaii’s star on the American flag is made slightly bigger than the other ones.
Apolo Ono approaches, somehow ice skating on the ground.
Apolo Ono: Shane, I mean Mr. McTorino, it’s me, that Hawaiian history expert you ordered. I can confirm that never in the history of Hawaii has Hawaii not been great.
Shane Victorino: I knew it.
He hits another home run.
Hell, they could just shatter the fourth wall altogether.
Detectives: …and her body was tossed into a volcano.
Shane puts down a newspaper he was reading with the headline “Phillies Win 2o Straight.”
Shane Victorino: That’s awful. So tragic. She was such a nice intern, I can’t believe she was on that many drugs.
Detectives: Yes it’s true. She was on all the drugs.
Shane Victorino: She used to be a good person, but then the drugs got a hold of her.
Shane Victorino, looking directly into camera: Stay in school–where the drugs aren’t.
That would be an especially valuable one because of all those popular teenagers who watch CBS at night.