Mar 30, 2008; Washington, DC, USA; Washington Nationals mascots former presidents George Washington (left), Abraham Lincoln (center), and Thomas Jefferson (right) run in the presidents race during the middle of the fourth inning of the first regular season game at Nationals Park against the Atlanta Braves. Mandatory Credit: James Lang-US PRESSWIRE

NL East Infection: Kevin Sefcik, Anyone?

Washington Nationals

The Nats were accidentally mentioned in the same breath as “playoff contenders” the other day, indicating once and for all that this is a changing world.  Though it should be no surprise anymore–with the amount of ex-Phils they’re piling up, some of that sweet, sweet championshipness should be rubbing off somewhere.  It’s science.

In addition to Jayson Werth, Brad Lidge and Chad Durbin have signed on to don the legendary curly W, though with Durbin it’s only for the Nats’ minor league system and whatever curly letters they wear down there.  However, even though the Washington winter has been chock full of key signings and even more key not-signings, there is one tryout that remains the most cataclysmic of anyone Mike Rizzo will approach with a pen in his quivering hand.

And that tryout is to fill the role of United States President.

The call has gone out for all those up on their U.S. history/jumping skills to migrate toward  Nationals Park, where they can compete for a spot on one of the world’s more elite between-innings performances.  More regal than the Sausages in Milwaukee and more… well, just better than the Legends in Arizona, the Running of the Presidents requires a skillset that escapes most actual presidents.

If you think you’ve got the guts, and the body type, and the tolerance necessary for Washington Nationals baseball, then the Nats want you to submit an application today.  Do you want to look back on your life with regret, or do you want to look back and tell your grandchildren, “Hey, I was better than a sausage.”

The answer is yes.  You want that.

Atlanta Braves

Freddie Freeman is exciting people again, but this time, not because of his young phenom-ness or because they hate the Braves and just watched him end their season on a weak ground out.  No, this time, those people are children.  And they’ve got some homework to do.

A local teacher in Lindale, Georgia was sick of having his students roll their eyes at his requests for them to do their homework.  When it came time for him to assign Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein,” he was concerned that their natural teenage rebeliousness would prevent them from doing anything productive.  This fair assumption would have probably come to fruition had it not been for Freeman’s Twitter account, which retweeted the homework assignment and got everybody excited about it for some reason.

It is an incredibly appropriate story, given the parallels one can draw.  The Braves are much like Frankenstein’s monster themselves; slapped together with corpses and malfunctioning body parts, moaning in pain and running in fear of fire (Fire in this case, of course, being the Phillies), and after last season’s collapse, they will be in need of resurrectio–ah, never mind.

I’m just jealous I could never get my high school excited about the Phillies.

“Mmmm?  Mmmm?  Kevin Sefcik, anyone?” I’d ask, gesturing toward an enormous mural I’d painted , dedicated to the 2000 Phillies bench player.

“Justin, this is in no way a lab report,” my chemistry teacher would reply.  “And your Phillies fandom is making us ‘cik.’

And everyone would laugh and laugh and I would go home and have teenage problems.  The end.

New York Mets


The Mets have another rich lunatic on the line, itching to pour some of his billions into their corpse franchise.  His name is Steve Cohen, and he has, like $8.3 billion; which is also the deficit of the state of Illinois.  Cohen wants a piece of Mets baseball, like any crazy person would, but he also simultaneously wants an even bigger piece of L.A. Dodgers baseball.  Which is to say, he wants to but the Dodgers in their entirety.

Cohen is only willing to drop $20 million into the Mets’ hands, in exchange for one of ten available shares.  However, should his desire to own the Dodgers come through, he would have to ditch the Mets and run off to California without even leaving a note.

Meanwhile, the Mets are letting their pennilessness bleed into the 2012 promotions, as they recently announced Banner Day, a day in which fans are invited to make their own banners and bring them to the park.  Also there will be Mets baseball that day.  Against the Padres.  So a stadium-wide arts and crafts day should be the highlight, despite all of the arts and crafts being provided by the fans themselves.

Miami Marlins

Miami-Dade County and its beloved Marlins are at it again.  Which is to say, they are at each other again.  Because they hate each other.

There’s been a slight disagreement between the two regarding the cost of the Marlins’ new stadium; the team says it cost $38 million, and the county says, wow, that’s a lot of money; we don’t want to give you that much so let’s find out if you’re lying.  Giving the shady dealings of Marlins’ brass in the very recent past, this is probably a reasonable action to take anyway.

But fortunately for everyone, Logan Morrison is lightening the mood with a little sexual proposition.  A few days ago, he showed us all what “LoMoing” is–a take on Tebowing, only started by an athlete who doesn’t suck.

Now, it’s up to the people of Florida to respond with sexy pics of their own, showing what kind of use LoMoing can have in legitimate society.

UPDATE:  omfg make it stop.


Tags: Braves Marlins Mets Nationals NL East

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