We the Phillies fans had our weekly meeting the other day and are proud to announce a new addition to the fold: David Beckham.
Seen here celebrating his newfound fandom, Beckham, or “David” as we are now legally permitted to call him, made his favorite sports franchise extremely apparent the other day by wearing a throwback hat while wordlessly going out in public, hoping to maintain some god damn privacy at the In-n-Out Burger. He didn’t even bother to dress himself in anything with words on it, clearly wanting the Phillies logo to be the center focus of the ensemble.
So, first off, welcome, Davey. I don’t really follow or understand soccer, but I hear it’s a pretty popular hobby in other, smaller countries. That’s fun! We encourage outside interests. Not, you know, a lot. But we encourage them enough that it doesn’t seem like we’re a cult or anything, trying to cut you off from your interests and then your friends and family.
“Cult” is such an ugly word, anyway. Why would you even bring that up? What do you mean, I’m the only one who did, unprovoked? You’re never going to get into our cult if you keep accusing people of things, Davey.
Now, we just need you to perform your initiative fan act and we can get this paper work processed. Do you have any interest in being electrocuted or selling your body? Ha, ha, just kidding. There isn’t any paper work. This briefcase is full of confetti. Not to celebrate your initiation, though. This is private confetti. Sorry.
No, all you really need to do is when a ludicrous number of beer pong games in K Lot before the home opener, and you’ll finally have some street cred in Philadelphia. It’s not that hard, you just have to be sure your opponents go to Drexel. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Woooooooo Temple! Is Drexel even our rivals? Sorry, I got to this ‘school pride’ thing a little late).
We do, however, fully expect you to pay the traditional entry fee of however many millions of dollars you have on your person.
Anyways, thanks for joining up, we really appreciate all you’ve done so far. If this all falls through like with Plaxico, this fleeting moment of has served enough of a purpose for us to suck it dry of advertising.
What’s the buzzing sound? Your phone? Don’t answer. We don’t allow phones in here, Davey. Forget your family. That part of your life’s over.
Ha, ha, ha. We’re having some fun.
Not a cult. Remember that part.