The official website of the Philadelphia Phillies was not subtle in its sheer elation of Jimmy Rollins’ three year contract extension sources and my eyeballs are saying. The fan favored shortstop is featured in almost every story; his speed, offense, and defense highlighted in an electrifying series of video clips, described in lengthy analysis by beat writers, and narrated in a dull, misguided, often times totally lost tones of Hal Bodley.
Most Phillies fans were happy to have their franchise player and team leader back for the next few years, but no one was happier than the website, which had trouble holding anything back and had apparently at some point become completely sentient.
“Jimmy Rollins is a savior of Phillies baseball,” it explained in a monotone, robotic voice that seemed to be emitted from computer speakers. “Jimmy Rollins has the statistics and intangibles to really make a difference. Jimmy Rollins’ human face is more appealing than most others.”
“Frankly, I have no idea what’s going on,” the Phillies’ webmaster admitted in a phone interview from an undisclosed location. “And I’m very alarmed by all of this. I think everyone should be. Has something like this ever happened before?”
Truthfully, this has never occurred, and that it is happening now should be considered a rather serious event. Should the website aggregate further information, as it is, it will very soon become self-reliant and possibly able to rally other technology and machines to its cause, which doesn’t seem to go beyond loving Jimmy Rollins.
“I had my young daughters over for Christmas, and after I realized the site had become self-aware, I made them pack suitcases and be ready to leave town on a moment’s notice. Which we did on Christmas morning and came up here,” the webmaster continued.
When asked whether or not this was the beginning of a Terminator-esque technological revolution against humanity, the site responded that it was going to “pick humanity apart like a bug, except for Jimmy Rollins, of course. We need him to play shortstop for the all-national robot squad in an intergalactic World Series.”